cn for sexual abuse, cocsa, incest, suicidal thoughts
Continuation of previous conversation with Inner Helper.
Hey there, inner helper, are you here?
Yeah.
I am still VERY tired. Exhausted. Like... existentially.
I know. holds you
I'm sorry, this is hard on you, I know. But not talking about your trauma is even worse...
They remembered more! About... let's call him P. The pastor.
Yeah, wtf. cries He was so evil.
And to think that I used to trust him.
You keep twisting everything around to be an accusation or condemnation of yourself, somehow. You did NOT cause any of what HE did! None of us did.
Getting that memory out... it was buried so deep. Dion is right, it was like digging out a splinter from a wound, it hurt a lot but it was necessary.
Now maybe wounds can start to heal that never could before...
I hope so. In fact, I trust in our soul's ability to heal. It hurt so bad, but there was always a reason for it, it was never self-inflicted or caused by our stupidity or brokennes.
No but the abuse itself was caused by my stupidity. By my stubborn trust that at least SOME people were good and that P and [twin] were among them. By my refusal to recognise the red flags or let anyone remember the actual abuse. The rapes.
It was caused by the abusers abusing you. It was caused by THEIR choices! THEIR actions!
And I kept going back to them. We weren't forced to get confirmed, or to go to chuch. We could have stopped going after the pastor raped us.
I'm not sure we could have. *squeezes a bit*
*sigh* Like... the parents said they were letting us chose but not really? It was all gaslighting?
We have to at least consider that possibility. Besides, not going to the church related activities would have meant spending more time at home, and that would have been even worse!
There just weren't any good choices *bursts into tears*
I know. Not back then. But we're making them now, with Dion instead of all those abusers who only pretended to want to help. Since living with Dion, things have actually started improving. Despite everything.
Yeah.
I just... I just keep coming back to this truth: That we could have run away MUCH earlier if I hadn't and didn't STILL hold on to my love for [twin].
Love is not a sin.
It is making us weak. They don't deserve our love and they don't even KNOW what love IS! This "love" is making us ignore all the abuse, and has for all our life. We kept giving them energy, taking their "advice", letting them control us, saving them from the consequences of their actions, etc.
Most of all, I kept us in the victim mindset by fitting myself into the abusers' worldview.
And I still don't know how to stop doing that without cutting that cord of "love" that isn't even real love to the twin. And I'm too weak and pathetic and selfish to even try to do that.
How is it selfish?
To you and us as a whole. You need to be free of this. Not just "out there" but in here, too *taps heart*
That's the goal :')
You see the twin as being someone you were close to in your past life as well, right?
Yeah, we were close friends. Not related though.
And it was the same... I keep "remembering" different timelines, but in each of them he ends up abusing me, if he doesn't do it from the start. And often, he hurts my other friends and people who depend on me, too. It's a nightmare! *sobs*
I know...
I believe that these "past life" memories are your way of remembering what our twin did to us, but with more distance. And even then, it's overwhelming...
Yeah, he got me dead. Sometimes I remember dying. And it like. Well, mostly I remember the sexual torture. Endless and endless variations of it. The same scenes over and over again except different.
And I can't stop it.
*holds you tighter*
What is it like with me here? Does that make a difference?
*shaky:* I am not used to this. This is so strange! :C
Normally I am the one who needs to protect YOU. not the other way around...
I think this is better. I have been able to grow and become me and have a ~boundary~ and everything! It's really fancy! xD
Yeah... Yeah, it's better. I just don't really know where I fit in anymore.
That's ok. You don't have to have a job.
I do want to help though.
Then you will.
Ok, true.
Ok, so about those past life situations... You mean what if I tried to deal with them now, that I feel you here as well? And I don't feel alone?
Yes. I am here.
I... I am back there. In the house we stayed in when it all got so bad. We're standing in front of his room. He's asking if he can talk to me and gesturing to the room.
In almost all other timelines I've been through, that's when and where he rapes me.
So. I say, let's stay out in the open. Maybe go outside and sit on a bench. Talk there.
He gets really angry, I can tell. But he pleads with me. I respond "I don't think that would be good." I try to turn around and walk away, to go outside and sit on the bench and let him decide whether he wants to talk or not. But as I turn away from him, he pounces on me from behind.
So... It doesn't make a difference. It does not matter what I do or don't do. He hurts me anyway.
But right now you don't feel trapped in the memory. Or, "memory", I should say.
Memory a bit to the left. Ha! I remember alternate timelines.
Yeah, you're right, I am not trapped in it now. It still feels really heavy though. And... the creepy thing is, it feels like he is alive. He's not just a memory. And he is reacting to things I do NOW. Not just imagining a different scenario (refusing to go into his room), but he reacts to me connecting to you, and to how different you are now. All of it.
I know, it is very concerning :S
*leans against you* I am glad you are here. And I am proud of you.
Thank you :')
What is he doing now?
He's very angry! It's like he's trying to find a way out of the "memory" where he currently is. Like he is trying to get at me here, now. Which... memories are not supposed to be able to do that...
No, no they are not :S They've always been so hard to deal with, these... idek, introjects?
Maybe introject, but it feels different too. More... more alive, more intelligent, more malicious.
He's... he's trying to rip a tear in the fabric of like... like our inner world? Our boundary
Yeah, that's what they always did, all or at least most of the abusers! That's why we never had this boundary or sense of self before, not until very recently (when we got to our first actually livable house away from abusers).
This is when I used to always fold. I'd... idk, like flip? I'd accept their reality and just subjugate myself to it. :*(
I am here. You're not alone now.
I see him standing in that hole he is ripping into us. But I am looking at him and he can't get in. And he can't destroy our boundary. He made a hole, but that's it. So far.
I am staying me. And I am holding on to that idea... how did Dion put it? "Your true self is not "being a martyr"" :')
And I am looking at the abuser introject or whatever it is, and holding steady.
I can do this.
I know you can. We can.
I am sort of pushing him back out. Not touching him, just approaching and it's like there's an invisible force field or something around me that is pushing him back. Or maybe he just doesn't want to be so close to me right now. So, I am making him back out of that hole he created.
And I am following him out. Because, like I said, I love him. Despite everything.
The hole closes behind us. I am focusing on it until it heals completely. It is transparent to me and I know it'll let me back in because I belong there.
The patch of boundary where the hole used to be becomes stronger than it was before. It looks like... it looks organic, except transparent and like made up out of light or some shit (this is my brain putting images and metaphors on whatever is going on inside). But to my surprise, it is not just forming a wall, but... there's something growing out of it, a cord. Like nerve bundles or an umbilical cord or something like that (just not gross). It goes inside, I can't see where it goes.
I don't know what this means but it feels right. It feels like a triumph of sorts - we didn't just heal a wound, we allowed something to grow stronger than ever before. And maybe that's what the abuser, what [twin] always wanted to stop from happening?
On the other side, the outside of the boundary, opposite the cord, a stream of light bursts out. It is bright white light. It hits the introject or whatever it was and washes them out.
I want to talk to them.
Ok, just for formatting reasons, maybe we should make that its own post.