TW for incest, rape, CSA
This is a continuation of intrusive thoughts 2, where I was talking to Aurin (Aurin prime? The main one? How do we say it). I am the inner helper ki was helping with my intrusive thoughts in those two posts.
Hello you there. You look kind of shadowy to me. Do you have a name or something I can call you?
Call me J.
I am getting out of this stupid light! What the hell!
This is MY space, you have no right to be here. So why complain.
I have EVERY right to be here!!! You don't even know how to live your life!!! You are pathetic and CRINGE!!!
So. What would you have me do?
Grrrrr!
It seems like whatever I do, you think it's a "reason" to hurt me.
BECAUSE IT FUCKING IS!!!!
How so?
STOP ACTING LIKE AN IDIOT!!! STOP PLAYING DUMB!!!!
I'm not lacking logic here. That happens to be you, who lacks logic. If you chose to care about that, that is.
NO
Ok. What do you care about then?
ME
Makes sense.
IT DOES
Yes. I actually really care about you, too. Did you know that?
I know. I love you too! Of course I do! You know that, we're family! <3
You are freaking me out right now. Wow that was so weird. wth.
How am I being weird? We're twins, we're family, and I love you. What is weird about that? Why are YOU being so weird? :/
I'm not letting you deflect by accusing me of being weird. I happen to LIKE being weird. If that's a problem for you, then that's YOUR problem. I won't stop being weird, I won't stop being ME on your account.
THAT'S SO MEAN *SOBS* HOW DARE YOU!!! You KNOW that when you're like this then it hurts me, too! We're socially connected! What will people think of ME?!
That you are a dick for looking down on your twin. At least that's what I am thinking right now. I happen to not care what other people think if they're just being smallminded.
ITS NOT SMALLMINDED!!! THIS IS HOW SOCIETY WORKS!!!!
What, being judgemental about other people's twins supposed wierdness? What was it again that I was doing wrong?
YOU DO EVERYTHING WRONG ALL THE TIME!!!!
I can tell you're in a lot of pain. I do want to help with that, you know.
no, stop...
Ok...
*sobs*
I just... I just want this pain to stop... *sobs*
Do you know where this pain is coming from?
FROM YOU!!!!!
*holds up hands* I am not hurting you.
BUT I'M IN PAIN!!! IT MUST BE YOU!!!! >:///
How do you know?
BECAUSE IT'S LOGIC. OF COURSE IT IS YOU. IT IS ALWAYS YOU.
You are the weakest link. If you just measured UP, we'd ALL be ok!!!
The weakest link in the family system?
Yes
And you are...
(the second weakest link, not counting the dog)
That must be scary. There are so many other, more powerful people in the family...
yes
scary
How do you manage?
easy. you obey.
I obey? And then...?
then i not no longer last weakest
n o long er we ak es t l i nk
What happened to you?
s l ow
beep boop... i am robot...
You seemed so human before.
Yes, yes, I am human,,, I just... I was just distracted, that's all. Don't draw attention to it!!!! WHY ARE YOU DRAWING ATTENTION TO MY FLAWS!!!!!!! >:////
I am only trying to help. And contrary to what you are used to, I actually mean it. There is no one else here who will think badly of you. Whose attention am I drawing?
yours
Ah. So you come right out and admit it. I am supposed to not even SEE your so called flaws. To be honest, you being all foggy and dissociated and "slow" like that wasn't upsetting to me. You shouting at me and being mean and entitled, THAT is upsetting to me, that comes across like a flaw.
Then leave me alone!!!
It is you who doesn't leave US alone.
BECAUSE YOU KEEP BEING STUPID!!!!
Like having a boundary around our inner world? Having a sense of self?
YES
Why don't you get one of those for yourself, then you wouldn't have to be so jealous of me/us.
I HAVE
You do?
HAVE...
It's ok... take your time. What do you have?
not
You don't have a sense of self or a boundary, like we do?
no
That's nothing to be ashamed of. It's not your faul--
YOU CANT HAVE IT EITHER!!!! WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK!!!! >>:////
People will judge YOU badly if I have a boundary? Oh... because then I won't be the weakest link anymore?
no you wont. I be exposed!!! HOW DARE YOU
I am not exposing you. I am not making you vulnerable. I am not doing ANYTHING to you!
YOU MAKE ME BE IN LAST PLACE
I am not playing that game. I told you so, long ago. I thought it was clear. I have broken off contact with the family long, long ago.
ME TOO!!!!!
Ok, so how are you even in "last place"? Who are you even afraid of, now?
them
Are you still in contact with them? Or they with you?
them
You are afraid of "them"?
memories
shadows
Oh...
hurt
I am sorry they are hurting you. I have tried to coax you into facing them before...
you make everything worse!!!!
It will get better. Like digging a shard out of a wound so it can heal.
IT HURTS
I am not the one hurting you. Can you believe that?
I used to just blame you... it was never...
never about believing I was actually to blame, was it?
it was just... a tactic I could use... make the pain stop *sobs*
And did it work? Did the pain actually stop?
NO BECAUSE YOU SUCK!!!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER BUT YOU
Oh here it comes... I what. What.
you
Me.
YOU STUPID BITCH!!!! >>>:((((
That's me, stupidest bitchiest being in the universe. Thanks for noticing.
DONT BE FUNNY.
What did I do to upset you like this?
you don't. that's the problem. i can't make you...
make me what?
*whispers* give in...
give in to the family secret...
the [----]
yeah that's gross. what are you talking about?
*whispers*
you need to give in to the family secret... the secret love... the secret sex...
The incest.
you know you want to
seems like YOU want to.
of course I do!!! >>>:(((
EVERYBODY DOES
I guess I'm just pretending that I don't.
YOU ARE SO ANNOYING!!!!
HOLIER THAN THOU!!!!
If I'm so annoying, why don't you leave me alone then.
Or rather... why do you think you like incest?
it feels good
Do you remember how you learned to like it?
it feels good
no learn... always there... beginning of time... before humans were human, just ape like things, fucking in the trees... everything was free and no evil...
That's not really relevant to our discussion, though, is it?
if human society could just stop being so judgemental...
But you LOVE being judgemental! You like judging me, for example.
shut up
So... anything from this life, or maybe the last, that gave you the idea that you think "incest feels good"?
it does... you know it does... you know it... you've felt it
I was a victim, yes, but I don't think it's excusable or "good" in any way.
How did you learn this attitude?
he...
he tought me...
by doing
You mean our father? He raped you?
it felt good
Do you remember?
no of course not
you don't remember
thats the point
What do you do instead?
you pass on
give to others....
Like me.
others like you...
then no memory...
You don't remember any of it?
no memory...
But I thought you said it "felt good"?
no memory feels good...
not memory-ing feels good...
forgetting feels good...
Why?
feels good...
feels good...
It sounds like you are addicted...
feels good...
huh?
Forgetting is your medicine. What is the injury?
no...
no injury... no memory feels good?!
why.
why you ask...
yuou ask.. always you ask!!!
WHY YOU ALWAYS ASK!!!!! LEAVE US ALONE!!!! :'C
I can see you're in a lot of pain. I'll leave you alone if you want me to.
NO
NO LET YOU GO
you gotta forget first
THEN LET GO
Oh! Oh, I see. Oh, now I see... The family system, of which you are a part, can only leave me alone if I forget about the secret - the incest. The rapes.
nor ape t
not rape
love
I never loved it.
you do. all do. is good. secret but good
When you were just a small child and grown people --- grown people raped you...
it had to be done
only way
What
only way
for secret love... love baby... love child who cries... they cry byt they lov e it... love it deep down need it need more... until no cry
what.
need more love. more more more until they love it too
Is that what was done to you?
need more
what
what.
no?
Until you stopped fighting?
not fihgt
give in
Yes, you gave in... you had no choice... you were a small child!
yes, no choice. no choice good
choice no good
no choice = good
why is it good
no choice. no pain...
how so?
no respons... no guilt. none
And guilt is the only thing that could hurt you?
hurt... make image go break :C
You are worried about your image?
image
But you were a baby!!! It CANT have been your fault!!!
grow up
True, true, you grew up. And then... you started having choices again?
no choice
love
Who do you love?
love...
love you most
not love brother
not love mother >:((((
father... ow
love... love. love twin
But?
but not
no no
twin not like??? why no
I chose not to like incest.
???
I made that very clear.
???
You can't understand?
.
Ok, I take that as, you can't understand my choice. You can't understand my "no".
no.
not no!
no no no!!!
But you do say, "No means no!" I've heard you be very vocal about that, in fact.
when i no
when no. then I no. then not!!!!
Oh, it only applies to YOU?
yes me. why?
Because if you understand the concept of "no" when it applies to you, you should be able to understand that I also mean "no" when I say no. I mean it.
no mean. no you not mean... i try more... you must let go... you can't always say no... one day...
You want to wear me down? [I feel sick.]
not wear
But you don't see me as a person? As someone who could mean "no" in the same way you mean it?
yes you are person
Ok, then why don't you treat me like one?
no
no treat
only say...
hypocrite.
nooooo... no say... no say hypocrite... shhhhh
HYPOCRITE!!!!!
:CCCCC
I MEAN NO WHEN I SAY NO
NO
Do you really believe that you don't, or didn't, really mean it either? That when you were a baby, you "really" wanted it "deep down"?
no
No, because it makes no sense.
no
baby... ow...
Yes, they hurt you :S
ow...
...
no?
?
no? no help?
Have you asked for my help?
I NEED HELP!!!!! I SAID OW!!!!!
And I said no. Many, many times. And you walzed right over it. Can I say, "ow".
NO!!!!!!
YOU NOT SAY OW!!!! YOU DON'T GET TO SAY OW!!!!! YOU'RE
I am a what?
that
Please elaborate.
thing
Thank you. Hypocrite.
NO!!!!!!
NO NAME CALLING!!!!!
You said ow earlier. What hurt you?
ow
baby... baby be ow
You were hurt when you were just a baby?
yes
ow
baby ow
I am sorry that happened to you.
no hug?
No.
>>>>:(((((
wh y no
Because you make it weird.
i cry
That's ok, you can cry. I think you'll be ok. I trust you'll be ok.
nooooo
I'm not ok! 0.0
Are you afraid?
I think so. Help!
I am helping. But I am also keeping my distance. I am helping you help yourself.
THAT'S JUST ABUSER TALK FOR NEGLECT!!!!! >>>:////
I don't owe you anything. I don't owe you even this much.
...
You're still here. You didn't disintegrate from pain, despite the fact that I kept my boundary.
>>>:C
It makes you angry that I am stating that fact? That I am telling you, me having boundaries is not an attack on you or constitutes abuse.
it does
No, it does not.
*pinches nose* You're always being so obstinate--
Woah. That word... I remember someone calling me obstinate...
because you are >:(
...and therefore I deserve to get raped?
shut up
No. No, you can't make me shut up any more! You used RAPE as a punishment against me for being supposedly OBSTINATE!!! >>:((
gah! so what
So a great deal what.
You can't keep me in second place forever, you know.
So, you insist on having so called ~~boundaries~~?? So what. I'll have them too! Ha!
I hope you do.
SHUT UP!!!