cn for sexual abuse, cocsa, incest, suicidal thoughts
Hi Me... You're crying...
I can't take this anymore! :'( I am a horrible, disgusting person and maybe I deserve to die, idek, what the fuck is WRONG with me, why would I want these disgusting things *bawls eyes out*
*hugs and holds you*
If you did want these things, that'd be awesome and it would make you feel great! Even if some of them are things you might not do in real life, there'd be no harm in fantasising about them.
Yeah but he's an abuser, he's evil, I shouldn't fantasize about having sex with him. And worse. Deep down I want it. Why else would I KEEP having these thoughts... I let them in...
*holds you* What do you think are other possibilities? Why do you have intrusive thoughts that torture you? (Thoughts that by the way you can't control and don't mean that you want any of it.)
Fuck if I know.
...
Yeah I know you want me to say it's because of the abuse I suffered.
But that's so shameful. I'm not supposed to be weak. Just a victim. I'm supposed to be able to ignore it. Ignore my own pain, focus on others.
Save the whole world... Sigh. We always did have the biggest martyr complex in the world...
So? It's true.
How does it relate to your intrusive thoughts though?
I don't know. It just does. Like, intuitively. I am supposed to suffer.
...but you're not allowed to suffer! You're not allowed to show that you're suffering or to have compassion for yourself.
How could I have compassion with myself? It's all my fault! The others suffered because of me! Because I refused to see him for what he is... That he's evil. And always has been, or at least for a very long time. But I defended him all this time, and I still do. I still love him and I can't stop trying to save him.
That's not evil! How is trying to save someone evil? Besides, that's really different from wanting to have sex with them.
(I realise we're talking about someone else now than I thought at the beginning.)
That's true. The evil is because HE'S evil and I need to stop him hurting my people and I have failed at doing that.
By your people you mean our system... You're not evil. If that was evil, that's just victim blaming. You didn't allow harm on purpose. You had no good choices.
I notice you haven't called me out for misgendering them. Last we heard, they weren't using he/him pronouns.
I was wondering about that. But I assume you're talking about a system mate of theirs who is male.
I am so scared.
I am still holding you. We are safe here, aren't we?
As safe as anyone with my fucked up brain can be...
Thank you for holding me... I am a boy too. Sometimes. Or at least I had to be, a lot of the times. They expected it of me.
I feel like a liar.
You're not on trial here. If you misremember things, that's ok. You're doing your best trying to remember incredibly traumatic things through so many layers of dissociation, from so long ago, from a context of extreme gaslighting and brainwashing. No one has a right to expect flawlessness.
*cries* I never thought of it that way...
He scares me. He still does. He keeps wanting to rape me. Even after so many years since we last saw him in person, and over 2 years of not talking at all... He's still in my head, hurting me.
Why should I want to keep living. Why, when this never ends.
*holds you tighter* I trust in you.
I know. I'm your inner helper, your saviour. I won't let you down. But this burden is too much for me. I just don't know what to do with it any more. I've tried everything and it just won't stop...
We've only VERY recently gotten even CLOSE to some kind of stability away from abusers! We're still begging on the internet for rent money. We're still poor as fuck and struggling with so many health problems from the abuse and poverty and all that. Which means we haven't tried everything because we haven't tried healing in actually livable circumstances yet.
It is not hopeless.
But I love him. I am too weak to repel him.
I think you love the potential you see in him and in them. The potential of the good, creative, fascinating person they sometimes are and could always be.
I always have his darkness in me. Always. And so long I will suffer. And I will bring suffering to you. I am sorry.
Because it feels like your affection for them - or for their potential - is like a poisoned cord that connects them to you?
Yeah, it attaches in my heart, it's like there's a bottomless pit in my heart and no matter how small it appears or how I try to heal it, it's still there and it becomes infinite when perspectives shift. Then it's all there is... the edges are wrong, like cosmically wrong, I don't have words for it.
I know... it hurts so much. And it doesn't feel like it's possible to heal it...
No. I have worked on it for so long. I don't know what else to try.
Well, we haven't tried THIS before. Writing to ourselves on thig blog, while being in our beautiful new home in beautiful Finland in this beautiful nature...
I am scared. I don't want this to work. I don't want to betray him by severing the link! I can't do that to him! *sobs*
What are you afraid it will do to him?
What? Oh, I expected you to say I shouldn't care about him and to focus on my own healing and stuff. I hadn't thought about this... He never wants to let me think, you know. He always just wants to flood me with despair and agony and similar overwhelming emotions.
Like terror and guilt and bottomless shame?
Of course.
You must have a very big heart for still wanting to love him.
Or I must be extremely stupid and unfit to... to save anyone.
I happen to know that you're very smart actually. And empathetic.
... and loving, yes of course I am. You know that! >:(
lol I am not scolding you by calling you loving and empathetic!
It's a weakness. A vulnerability. It's what got me killed.
I'm sorry. I didn't know these judgements became internalised so much. :(
How did it get you killed?
Past life. I loved him and he got me dead. It took me so long to figure out why. Current theory is that he couldn't take that I wanted him to take accountability for is own actions as an adult in a very responsible position. There were lives on the line of people who depended on me and him and the others.
But abusers can't take being accountable. I suppose he thought he could just be a slimer who says what he thinks I want to hear and it'd get him... something. Power, or sex maybe. Or fame or a good image. I'm not sure. I'm not sure HE knew...
Can you think of that "past life" moment where you realised he wanted you dead? What does it remind you of?
In this life you mean? Not one specific moment, but many. It's not even always him. But it's that theme... of me teaching by example, me taking steps to get away from abusers. Proving that it's possible and necessary.
I can't take this pain.
I am here.
He hurt me more and more, worse and worse. Twenty+ years ago, we excused it as zeal and passion that was only accidentally hurting us. But that wasn't the beginning and it wasn't the end. All this time, this person has abused us and we... I never dared call them out. Not once.
I don't think that was cowardice on your part. It's not your strategy to confront abusers openly. You... you observe their behaviour and give them opportunities to change while saving face.
... or to show me their true colours...
Exactly.
But he did. So many times. And he never apologised. He never changed. He never got better.
He got worse....
He got worse, yes. As abusers do when you let them. And boy did I let him.
Let him what?
*absent stare, monotone voice* I let him rape me. Over and over.
*squeezes tightly*
I just... I just let him. It hurt more in my heart than any other rapist ever could. I could never love anyone like that. And therefore no one could possibly hurt me like that.
If I rejected him, I'd reject and forsake myself. I am him. We are the same.
We're just twins. We're not the same person.
We are very much the same.
Except you don't rape people, you don't do incest, you don't abuse and gaslight and deceive people...
Every choice he is capable of, I am capable of.
I doubt it, but ok, for the sake of argument. Maybe you're capable. But you decide against evil stuff. It never even tempts you.
That's where you're wrong.
Sorry I don't know what to say that wouldn't sound sarcastic here. I know you.
I am tempted by the intrusive thoughts...
"tempted"? Into having perfectly acceptable fantasies about someone who is very much NOT related to you, or a minor, or in any way morally questionable? Except, that's not even what they are. They're not your fantasies, they are intrusive thoughts that torture you and that are a result of rape and abuse. I am so sorry!
I am tempted into giving up. Into giving in. Because it is easier to just let it happen. Like back then. When we were kids and they'd come into our room. Easier to just let it happen.
That does not make it your fault or your responsibility in any way.
Then why do I feel so guilty.
Because in that house, in that family, in that cult, the overarching rule was that compassion was weakness and the weak deserve whatever the evil people can think of doing to them.
You were gaslit. Gaslit times 100.
I thought if I fought back, they'd seach for a different victim. Maybe find someone even more helpless than me.
Stupid martyr complex :'(
Hey now. What if it wasn't stupid. What if that was how I dealt with it?
That was your choice. You were thinking about others before yourself.
I need a break.
Of course! You are doing so great, I love you. *squeezes again*
Talk again later.