My dear baby,
you are innocent and helpless. You are pure and deserving of rescue, safety and protection! All the rapes they did to you could not change that. You did what you had to do to survive and you DID survive!
You used what was in you that you could use in order to get through the rapes. You found a way to stay alive. I am beyond grateful, because without you, I would not be here now. We have lived for so long and experienced so many wonderful, beautiful moments! Laughter and joy and fun and excitement. You'll get to go in a human sized hamster wheel one day! You'll get to ride roller coasters and swim in big waves that tumble you around.
And you'll see small flowers that others trample over without bothering to notice.
You are such a flower to me. And I do notice. And I do care.
If I could, I would lift you up into my arms, away from those who rape you and those who watch it and are not on your side, and I'd wrap you in a blanket and make you safe from their looks and their touch and I'd carry you out and away from them.
I know you would probably cry and long for your family. You love them. I know you do. You're a good child and this love is what you used to survive.
But they do not love you back. What they did to you wasn't love, it was rape and it was violence. You know it wasn't good because otherwise you wouldn't have been so desperate to try and find a way to survive. You were scared for your life! And you were right to be scared. You were right: It was a big deal! It was not ok. It was very dangerous to you and it hurt you very much.
You had to kill a part of yourself in order for the rest of you to survive. Your body survived and most of your soul did, but you had to sacrifice so much.
You sacrificed your ability to feel "No!"
You were forced to go along with the sexual things they did to you, siblings, cousins, parents. And just for that time, you convinced yourself that you wanted what they wanted and felt what they felt - you gave up your own self and all you took in was them, what they did and what they wanted. They took over the entire world and left no room for you.
"Look, watch!"
Your father called the other children, siblings and cousins, to watch how he raped you on your own bed. The bed that was never safe. (Did you know that other children ARE safe in their own beds? Did you know that there are children who ARE safe in their parents' arms?)
You were seperated from your peers, the children your own age, the others around you. You were no longer like them. You felt different. You were singled out and treated differently.
To me, you are not just "different", you are special. But that's just me. Really, you are a normal child. Just unsually loving and caring. But as you know, already at your age, every child is special and every child has something unique about them. So in that sense, your unusual qualities are also normal.
I wish there had been someone, anyone, you could have told about this and been helped. I can't think of a single person, even in hindsight, you could have gone to. I know you will try. And you already tried to get away, didn't you, together with your twin? You took each other by the hands and walked away from the house your parents built for you, the house that contained torture chambers disguised as innocent rooms with normal purposes.
You got to the main road. Around the corner, where the big wide world opens up. You even made it past the police. But then some "well meaning" adult spotted you two and brought you back "home". I know because I was told about this. I don't know if you remember. I think you probably have a hard time remembering anything, because your mind keeps getting interrupted. Cut into pieces. You knew nothing except for what you were in right now.
I wish I could warn you of our twin. That person grows up to hurt you. And you know that even small children (by adult's standards) can hurt you very much, like your brother and cousin did. The twin is worse in some regards. But I can't tell you that because if you knew, you'd die. So I'll let you find out when you're ready.
All I can tell you is that you will survive and that you will get away eventually and that you will NEVER become like them. You will NEVER be anything even close to that. Not that that was ever a possibility. They tried to break you but they could not.
- Aurin, 39 (Finland)