TW for rape, incest
In last week's talk with a teenage part of myself, ki said ki "just wants to do art or some shit" and... yeah let's talk about that?
This conversation has nothing to do with veganism and the assholes that introduced me to it, it's gonna touch on something else that happened at around the same time.So, you want to do art?
I feel shy...
Like you're not good enough to do art?
I guess so... *looks down*
What if art didn't have to be about being good at it?
I know it's not! *bursts into hot tears*
*holds you*
Sorry! I just! I don't KNOW! :C
It's ok. We're safe now.
and if we're not, then you can let me know and I'll make us safer!
*sobs incoherently*
*holds you* I am here for you.
I don't KNOW!!!! *continues wailing*
*continues holding you*
*bawls* I... I don't know... *cries* I am – scared? Maybe?
That doesn't even make sense! Why are you scared! There's no reason to be scared! >:(
That's ok! You can have feelings. You don't have to justify them!
*more sobbing and crying* I just...
I am so dark inside.
And you are scared that that dark stuff inside would come out if you did art?
yes. :c
*holds you and gently rocks you*
I used to colour in lions, elephants and stuff... That was safe... I was a kid and I drew animals and it was safe...
The people and families I drew always had blue eyes. I don't think I did it on purpose. I just thought blue is the colour of eyes... pretty racist, huh? My eyes aren't even blue...
I'm here... Keep talking...
The cliché is that troubled or traumatised (or evil) children draw with lots of red and black, and forceful crayon scribbles. Or they draw super a lot or giant things. But that's not the case for me...
I just... I wish I could somehow express even part of the deep, overwhelming, all-encompassing S A D N E S S that's inside me!!!!!
Ooof, yeah, I know!
*bursts into huge sobs again*
Even my writing was scrutinised... I wrote characters who were bullied or ostracised or misunderstood... I didn't intend for them to be reflections of what I was going through at school or at home! I was thinking about societal issues I wanted to draw attention to, and I was inspired by ancient myths and giving them a new twist! Besides, those were school assignments. I had to write SOMEthing!
Did you get in trouble for those short stories you wrote? I remember them :')
I don't know... I don't remember getting into trouble... Except. Now that you're saying it.
I'M SCARED
I am here.
AAAAAH!
It tore me apart. HE tore me apart, my soul that is. The "father". He doesn't deserve that name. He thought my stories reflected badly on him. It didn't even make sense! And it had never occured to me that anyone would read them and see them as accusations against my parents! That's so absurd! He has no idea how literary analysis even works! He didn't even understand that just because a story used an "I" narrator, didn't mean it was autobiographical! I was speechless!
Did he punish you?
Of course he did.
How?
How else. You know the kind of stuff he did...
Do you remember it?
I don't WANT to!!!!!
I am sorry. But you are safe with me, I won't judge or blame you. I am on YOUR side! Fiercely!
Fuck off. I hate you. *cries*
Is that teenager-speak for "I don't want to talk about this right now?" That's ok.
Whatever. Fuck you.
I didn't punish you...
No! HE did! And you know what!? I am so SICK of it!!!
I am so SICK of holding HIS stupid disgusting secret for him!!! He is DISGUSTING!
He said I belonged to him. That as his child I was his. Like I was property.
I didn't say anything.
I know... there was nothing you could have said that would have gotten through to him or made a difference in what he did...
WHAT HE DID!
WHAT HE DID!!! >:C
*offers to hold you*
Thanks. But I got this. You're all right, you know, for sticking with me. I know you saw through it that I tested you when I said fuck you and all that. Pah. I hate everything!!!
Or someone in particular?
YES!!!!
I HATE MY FATHER!!!! >:C
WHAT A MONSTER!!!!
*sobs*
*holds you*
"Schreib nie wieder soetwas." - Don't ever write something like that again. That's what he said. At that point he was holding me down on my bed. I knew not to fight him. It would make things unimaginably worse. Even worse.
I went away. I don't know who took over. One of the deep ones I suppose.
Other system mates?
Yeah.
But you know what happened... and it impacts you...
Of course I do and of course it does! He raped us.
That's not even unusual. It's just... normally he wouldn't give a reason. But now and then it was "punishment" for something we did. Or supposedly did.
Like write a school assignment about centaurs inventing bows and arrows...
That's so stupid, isn't it? That he took THAT silly story as an excuse???
I am suddenly thinking of something else. Something ex-Moon-cult member Steven Hassan said. That the recruiters made him destroy all his poetry as a test of loyalty to them.
Cults and abusers really, really hate their victims' self expression, creativity and art! It threatens them!
Our humanity threatens them, our creativity. Because they want us to be robots who are predictable and controllable. Beep Boop.
Exactly! But the human spirit is indominable! It can't be predicted! It can't be controlled.
It can. Just not forever. The control isn't airtight.
That's true. Very astute.
Ugh. I am so tired.
I am so sorry he hurt you like that. I am so sorry.
*leans into hug* Thanks