I remembered something else about the book you read, the one that was NOT a Buddhist text about compassion and not doing harm, but was instead so triggering and overwhelming to you.
Well, it was when I decided to go vegan. I remember that. Before reading the book, I was merely curious about the issue, I wanted to learn about it, but I was not yet committed to it! But after having my eyes opened to how horrible and widespread animal cruelty is and how intrinsic it is to all animal agriculture - well, I couldn't participate any longer in this system of injustice! I am an anarchist after all and I am against ALL forms of oppression and systemic injustice and exploitation, not just that of people like me!
I know :) And you'll be glad to know, that over 20 years later, your future self still lives by those values.
But at the time, and this was before veganism was a health-trend or became hip, you didn't know what a vegan life would be like, did you? You couldn't buy so much as plant milk in supermarkets and vegan cheese alternatives didn't exist at all yet (to our knowledge/ where we were).
Yeah. I knew I would have to make sacrifices. But that's ok. Immediately after that book, I read another one about vegan nutrition and learned that it wasn't so hard after all. It seemed fairly straight-forward and doable.
So... in summary, your brother first baited you into reading a severely triggering and even traumatising book by introducing veganism as a topic of "openness to the world and caring for all creatures", making you afraid. Then he gave you the "cure" for the very fear he had caused: A book saying how easy it would be to live vegan. Am I correct?
Wow. How dare you insinuate that this was some kind of sinister plan or tactic. He didn't do that on purpose!
Probably not. But this was the effect that happened to you, wasn't it?
I mean I guess.
I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. It's just, that brother of ours... he's messing with us in other areas as well, so I am not inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt when it comes to good intentions. Though he probably isn't an evil mastermind either, on account of not being a mastermind, not on account of not being evil.
Lol! Ok that was funny!
I love you.
Aww, that's cringe xD
Heehee. You are SUCH a teenager! <3
OK but I appreciate it. (Just don't tell anyone.)
*sigh* Back to the topic though. I took a look at the heading you chose for this blog post and I know where this is going.
I made a choice while reading that book. That I would be vegan no matter what, even if refusing to eat animal products meant being anaemic and weak and sickly for the rest of my life. That that was a sacrifice I was willing to make. Because growing up with meat-eaters and a father who's a hunter, I really thought I'd have a hard time getting all the iron and protein and calcium and other nutrients I need.
That's quite an extreme level of devotion. And after only reading a single book and not checking any sources or looking for any alternative courses of action to address the problem.
What do you mean, alternative courses of action? That doesn't even make sense!
Sorry, I didn't mean to get you upset again. Let's slow down a bit maybe and go back to how, in hindsight, that was quite an extreme level of devotion from you.
I mean yeah, I'm a radical, I do stuff other people would call "extreme", but it's just that I'm not as brainwashed as they are to accept actually extreme levels of violence as "normal" in this society!
But "devotion", that's an interesting word choice from you. I don't like it tbh :\ Makes me sound like some kind of religious zealot. But I'm not!
No, you're not. Still, I stand by my word choice. You were willing to sacrifice, maybe not your life, but your health to the cause. That's a HUGE sacrifice!
Yeah but it never came to it though. I didn't have any health changes, neither positive nor negative, after I became vegan.
I'm glad. Still, this willingness to sacrifice... That's still something that's worth spending some time on, don't you think? Because I know you and I know that you actually value your life and your health very highly!
I do.
And I know you were willing to sacrifice it to the cause of animal liberation, not to the brother or the future roommate who did the CSA and rape analogies. But still. In effect, you made a commitment and showed devotion to something THOSE people wanted from you, a level of commitment and devotion that you never showed to anyone else or any other cause!
Huh. I never really thought of it that way. I mean I think anti-racism is just as important! And fighting nazis in general. Like, those things are important to me!
I know they are, that's not in doubt <3
But you're pointing out that I was even more devoted to veganism and potentially to the ASSHOLES who first introduced me to it?
In a sense, yes. Though it's not really about the level of your devotion, but about how you were manipulated. No one asked you to even consider giving up your health for anti-racism or antifa struggles.
Unless you count the possibility to get beaten up by nazis or cops!
But did anyone actually ask you to put yourself in a position where that would be likely? Did anyone ever intentionally overwhelm and trigger you to manipulate you towards that line of thinking, or acting?
... no...
*holds you*
*sobs*
THIS IS SO UNFAIR!!!!! >:'C
I NEVER saw it this way!!! But you're right!!! What the fuck! Why the fuck would they do that to me!
The thing is... even if [brother] had been acting innocently, he could have warned me what the book was gonna be like. He'd read it first and he knows how thin-skinned I am when it comes to depictions or descriptions of violence. He doesn't care, or he enjoys it, idk, I just know he used to read books that described the ways "witches" were tortured by the inquisition and stuff like that. And the satanic stuff he found on the internet. It was all very scary to me tbh and I never read any of that.
But he convinced you to read something triggering and violent and very explicit by appealing to your core values: Compassion and justice.
Do you think that was his goal? I don't know... It doesn't make sense to me.
I don't know either what his goal was. It's just an observation that he had introduced violent books and media to you before, but you always refused to get into it because it repulsed you without giving any value that would make it worth it. For him, I guess it was some machismo to prove that he was tough enough not to flinch.
Yeah, I got that impression. Like watching horror movies. Which I also only rarely did. It's just not that important to me that people think I'm tough. In fact, I think being SOFT and CARING about others' pain is a much better quality to have!
Yes, your compassion! :')
Yes. Compassion.
It's unfair that people like him and that roommate asshole decorate themselves with the word compassion.
With the roommate, it really seemed like what he most liked about veganism was that it gave him a socially progressive excuse to be mean to people. Remember how he'd exploit other roommates' labour by letting them do all the cleaning while he refused to lift a finger even when things got moldy - because he was so busy doing the important organising work for demos and campaigns?
UGH!!! >:C
Yeah, a total and utter asshole! And how he kept talking over the only working class member of the group, too, who happened to be a trans woman.
Though... I remember at the time being quite interested in having him think highly of me... I looked up to him and wanted to impress him with my knowledge of theory.
Yes, even though-
-even though the other roommate, the kind one, later told us that the asshole was actually embarrassing himself in discussions at uni! Ha!
Yeah, he's... so ridiculous to be honest. Just that entitled guy with a "human saviour" thing who thinks being inofficial king of a handful of anarchists (!) is somehow impressive...
Lmao. What a loser. What a poser, too!
It's... it's a weight off my shoulders to detangle my values and my thinking in general from these assholes.
They did SO MUCH emotional damage to you! And they deliberately tied it to your strongest values and best qualities! That's what made it so hard to fully question their behaviour and get over the damages they did...
Ugh. Sorry, I keep making "ugh" sounds! It's just – everything is SO frustrating!!!
UGH.
UGH!
Haha! Thanks for letting me. Grown ups usually think us teenagers have no valid opinions.
UGH is a totally valid opinion!
LOL
No, seriously. It's your intuition saying that you don't want something. It's super valuable. Science has shown that intuition is a truth we already know, even if our conscious thinking may take a while to catch up to understand HOW we know it. But you already know the truth when you feel a good ol' UGH coming on!
Heh! I like that. Cool :)
*hugs*
*melts into hug*
I really need a break you know. From all the assholes.
I just want to live a quiet, calm life where I do art or some shit and occasionally go to a demo and shout at the top of my lungs! xD
Hehee. Yeah, it's good to let it out!
*sobs*
I don't know why I'm crying now.
That's ok. You don't have to have a reason.
I don't?
No!
Oh.
I love you. Your feelings are valid.
Ok?
*holds you more*
*sniffles* Thanks.
It's like I'm letting out all the tiredness of like... 20 years or so... like... since I'm not really a teenager anymore, right, I'm here with you know so it's 20+ years of accumulated STUFF, right? That wants out. OUT!
RAH! >:C
RAH! >:C