CN rape
Continuation to "obstinate", written from the POV of my Inner Helper.
I just realised why the abusers punish "naivite" and not seeing the abuse/danger coming and all that so hard. And me being obstinate was part of that – because it was a direct result of refusing to believe I was going to get raped despite the signs that were there that were very obvious in hindsight.
I was punished extra harshly because I was not acting like someone who knows what kind of danger he's in.
Because the thing is: Abusers always want to MAKE others into abusers, too!
It seems very counter-intuitive, because surely they want others to be victims and to be ignorant of what they're doing and what tactics they're using.
And they do want that. But they are playing a double-game on different layers where two (at least!) realities are supposed to be true and not true simultaneously and we're all supposed to jump between them and between embracing and rejecting them as it benefits the abuser. Abusers always switch realities on you. It's part of what defines abuse. It's a deception and a manipulation of cognitive dissonance and consonance. Basically, they demand to always be made to feel consonance no matter how illogical they're being.
"Might makes right", not just morally right (supposedly), but also logically, intellectually and emotionally right (supposedly).
And one of the mechanisms for that is to act as though the abuser mindset that everyone is always out to get one over on everyone else were universal. Because if there was a different way to live, being that fucker who constantly tries to "get an advantage" suddenly looks evil rather than clever. But they want to be seen as clever or as a victim of their circumstances (whichever suits them better or whichever they happen to choose as their personal style of abuse).
In any case, abusers want to pretend like abuse is universal and it's just a matter of which side you end up on. And "recruiting" or grooming others into becoming abusers is part of that.
Plus, abuse is a pyramid scheme of violence. It can only work if you "recruit" more new people into it, not as abusers but as victims. But victims who have baught into the worldview of abuse. They're part of the pyramid, just at the bottom. And they're supposed to want to climb up the ranks and become an abuser, rather than escape the fucking pyramid altogether.
And I was just consistently acting as though the pyramid wasn't real. Because it's not. It's bullshit. Like any pyramid scheme, it can't work. And I'm for sure not ever going to be part of it in any way, shape or form!
I was. I was such a perfect little victim...
Maybe, but you were just trying to survive. You were not buying into the worldview that everyone is either an abuser or a victim who wishes they were an abuser!
True. In the darkest moments I could be convinced that I "wanted it" or I felt the boundary between my self and the abuser's so blurred or absent that I couldn't distinguish anymore and felt like I wanted what they wanted. Or other times I had reasons to want to make them happy, appease them, or distract them from worse things they could be doing. So I often appeared as though I "wanted it", even to myself.
We were children.
We were.
It's strange, I was just having what felt like a big epiphany about how abusers want everyone to be cynical and now that I'm trying to write it down, it's hard to remember. But, yeah, they wanted me to be cynical as in, seeing the world as running purely on those abusive principles: That everyone is either an abuser or wants to be one and fails. That the only way to escape being a victim is by victimising others. That the best anyone can hope for in life is to be "on top" and get to abuse lots of people while not being abused by others – never mind how inherently precarious and temporary that position would be! How even then you'd still be constantly surrounded by people who are trying to topple you and fuck you over!
Well, it's not spelled out like that. Because it doesn't even make sense as a world view if you spell it out, though some have tried. But we do get sayings like "It's a dog-eat-dog world!" or "Life's not fair!"
It's strange to me that me being obstinate, and sarcastic, was proof of being too naive. I guess it's how fearless I acted. I was always so ashamed of that, especially in hindsight but sometimes in the moment too. Because I know that I use that tactic at times, when I don't know how to actually protect myself from danger: I'll just do my best to pretend it isn't there!
And that might sound cool or like something action heroes do or whatever, but that's not what I was. I was just a big huge dork, bumbling about looking ridiculously naive and trying unsuccessfully to put a good face on it. Or whatever.
There's a big difference between pretending danger doesn't exist because you're confident, or even bluffing, versus pretending it doesn't exist because you're helpless anyway. And that was me, always helpless.
And too stupid to give up or give in.
At least that's what abusers always tried to make me believe. They always tried – and usually succeeded – in making me feel ashamed, silly, childish, naive for how I acted.
But really I was too stubborn to give into that cynical worldview. Because I knew it wasn't true. I was and am a living proof of that.
I suppose until very recently, I could have been convinced that everyone else is somewhere on the abuser continuum. Maybe that's what I had to be in denial about. I had to believe that other people can be good people and also that if they are, it's not just because things are easy for them.
The weird thing is, being cynical kinda makes you less afraid, doesn't it? If you believe that getting fucked over by others, or at least having them try to do that to you, is inevitable, then you're not scared of it. You have your walls up and you're cynical and you use it as justification for when you fuck others over.
It's just still hard for me to wrap my mind around people who want their victims to be scared (my abusers clearly wanted me scared, they threatened me constantly) but also want them to become cynical. Maybe they hope that sooner or later anyone will choose to become cynical rather than enduring so much fear?
It's just... That line of thinking never worked on me because it is just so very obvious that as bad as life as a victim might be, becoming an abuser would just be worse. You'd still be victimised to some extent (I saw the abusers abuse each other all the time and no one was always safe from it) AND you'd have the added trauma of being cut off from your true self, reality AND of abusing others. Traumatising others causes trauma to the abuser, too. That doesn't make me feel particularly sorry for them, but it definitely motivates me to not be one. It's just such a bad choice, not just evil but self-defeating on top of it. No thank you!
But whether it's cynicism in particular or some other defense mechanism, abusers definitely are cut off from their authentic selves and are cutting their victims off too. Being inauthentic (whether you take pride in it or pretend to be vulnerable and authentic) is inevitable for abusers and it's what fuels so many of their dynamics. At least after I started viewing abusers as people who reject their authentic selves and actively push it away, many things started to make more sense!
But I just never chose to do that, I never wanted to be cut off from my authentic self. I was cut off and I did choose things that would keep me cut off to some degree or another, but it was only ever if I was forced into such a choice. I never wanted that. And I can't imagine what it would be like to want to reject your own core like that. But it is what I've observed abusers do.
I don't know that anyone has a solution for this, but I feel like I can't rest until I figure out (and successfully test) a way to "cure abusers" by healing them such that they can embrace their true/authentic self. I know it sounds ridiculous but I just can't accept that the person I love the most in the whole world (my twin) is doomed to be evil forever.
Though if I find a different/better way to solve the problem of abusers, I'd do that instead. (And yes, killing them all has occured to me and feels very appealing at times. But not practical and... well I just hope there's an even better way.)