TW rape, incest
Ooof that word... obstinate... that really triggered something...
I am here.
Phew, thank you.
That was so exhausting, your conversation with the abuser introject!
Yes. Very exhausting. I do feel sorry for them but wow... What a horrible hypocrite...
And abuser... *strokes your hair*
...
I don't like admitting it.
I don't like admitting that I love an abuser this much! *breaks down sobbing*
*holds you*
I am here.
You are not doing anything wrong.
*sobs and shakes*
I am so scared!
Because of that word?
obstinate. yes.
I know you remember a "past life" scene where someone in power calls you that.
Yeah and he has his soldier torture me... he says "He was being obstinate! You know what to do!" and later the soldier rapes me. Every time.
*voice breaking* I can't stop it. I can never stop him.
I know... how could you possibly stop him? It's not your fault.
But this is clearly happening in my head! I often have superpowers and shit in my head. So, why don't I just...
Because these are memories. You are remembering trauma, maybe from a past life and/or maybe from this life but through a filter, a layer of dissociation.
Yeah. You're right, if I convinced myself it hadn't happened... that would be me lying to myself and making it worse...
But. You know what! :') I am actually proud of myself. I hadn't noticed it until just now, but. I never try not being obstinate! It never even occurs to me! Because I am a little shit to the fucker in power >:D
*high fives!*
No seriously. I am being a little shit every time. Many things change in this scenario each time I go through it. But I am NEVER NOT a little shit! :D
Neat! What do you say?
Oh you know... That I'm better than him. Or rather, he says "You think you're too good for me?" and I mishear and think he means/said that I think I'm better than him. And I say "Your words, not mine."
:D
I really am a little shit. I would drive me up the walls too! He gets all red in the face and flustered and so angry he can't get out proper sentences! :D It's amazing!
So,,, you are being...
oh no
It's ok. We don't have to do this. It's up to you.
No, we are doing this.
I am being,,,
being,,,
You are being...
obstinate
OW
It hurts...
Fuck! Yes it hurts! *sobs*
*holds you*
I just... I don't know why... that word...
I can't... *more crying*
No wonder you're triggered! After what happened...
Yes but. I can remember the rest of it... I have no problem with repeating the rest of the conversation...
Ok, but it was that word that was being used to mark you as... well to tell the soldier to rape you. As punishment for being "o."
*tears streaming down*
*holds you closer*
I am sorry.
I AM SORRY!!!!
I was so naive. I was so oblivious! I didn't realise what kind of danger I was in!
How could you?
... it seemed so obvious in hindsight...
Everything is obvious in hindsight <3
I just... I was putting so much energy into being in denial, you know?
Do you think all these people are the same? That they're all stand in's for our twin?
Maybe.
No.
No, actually, the soldier is not [twin]. He has different energy. More like [brother], I think. But could be someone else entirely, not sure.
We took a break at this point and it is now weeks later that we're back here. Let's see what happens if we continue this conversation.
I feel better, much better now. We've done some amazing healing recently. All the time, actually. It's just that recently, the progress seems to actually be sustainable and like it won't ever backslide again. Like we're finally safe and have finally built a foundation, an internal foundation, anchor and shell (boundary) for our Self. It is safe now. Even the worst of triggers and flashbacks don't tear that down any more.
Yeah, it's great :)
And thanks to you. I'm very proud of you!
Thank you. You helped!
Maybe... My work was in the past, it's you now.
Do you want to talk about the past. The thing with "obstinate"?
Yeah, let's do that.
So, there I was, being dragged to this powerful man, and he talks to me. Out of earshot of anyone else. And he's just being so slimy!!! That's really all I took in at the time. I was feeling so repulsed by him! Slimy!!! Like, slick and deceptive and gross in a... idk, I was upset and angry and repulsed because he was rich and powerful and wore expensive clothes and displayed his wealth and privilege and thought that made him a better person. And it just proved to me how evil he was because it was all built off exploited people's backs. It was so revolting to me and here he was, thinking he's so smooth and impressive.
And then added onto that the slimeyness... The way he was kinda "wink wink nod nod" or some shit, like literally with one arm around my shoulders being like "hey we could do this thing, you know, there's a deal in it for you..."
And he had significant power over me. He could have gotten me killed. And looking back, it's obvious that the deal he was talking about was "sleep with me or I'll have you killed - it's your way to freedom!"
But at the time I didn't take that in. I guess I was in denial. I did not want to know or hear that. I just noticed: "Privileged fuckhead, super slimy, talks about deal" - NOPE. It was an immediate reaction I had. So I interrupted him, didn't even let him finish his sentence (yes, very obstinate of me) and turned him down and that's when he got angry and demanded if I thought I was too good for him. I easily am. Come on! It's not hard to be better than him, in fact I'm hard pressed to think of a way to be a worse person than him!
So that's how that happened.
Yes. And this part of the scenario always stays the same.
But I don't know what it means. I mean, if this was something that happened in my past life, sure, it would be easy to see that. But assuming this is something to do with this life, that's when it gets a bit more complicated. Because I can't really map this...
I don't know what this tells me about this life. If it even does.
I'm not sure. But if a parallel to this life or anyone we know or have known here doesn't jump to mind, it's probably best not to push for it too hard. We wouldn't want to create an association by assuming there MUST be one and get stuck on a red herring.
I'm sure that if there is a connection, or if this "past life" memory really is just a layer of dissociation and denial over a traumatic memory from this life, that it will eventually become clear. Once you're ready, or I'm ready, or whichever.
I mean, the idea of a past life isn't outrageous. I actually do believe in reincarnation. How I'd remember all these details, I don't know.
Well, if you had some sort of residual "vibes" memories, you could create a coherent story out of them with the other knowledge you have and beliefs you have about your past life, plus who you are and what trauma you carry.
I don't want to make you look superstitious or psychotic. But I also have a hard time believing anything BUT that I had a past life.
That's ok, you're not making me look bad! Or rather, if people judge me merely for being open to the possibility of remembering past life trauma, that's on them. I do feel hesitant to be this open about my personal beliefs, especially the "crazy" ones, but this is the path I have chosen. I want to not let taboos and stigma hold me back. Because it is very important for me/us AND for anyone reading this, to allow ourselves to follow where our souls lead us in trauma recovery. And in life in general. If we don't trust the process, we'll get stuck and won't recover. If we are more concerned with "what will the neighbours think" and looking "normal" or fitting in etc, then we're dooming ourselves to a sad, sorry existence and to repeating harm and pushing it onto others.
Sorry for the soapbox moment, dear readers!
The problem with that moment, and what followed, was... well I was so ashamed and terrified that I was to blame. That the rape was my fault.
How would it be your fault?
I DONT KNOW!!!!!
Do you wish it was your fault, somehow?
I think so. *sobs* Then I'd be the one with the power to fix it... I want it to only be me. I was obstinate and I'm not supposed to!!! I'm supposed to always be meek!
Not always.
But that's the image others have of me. I turn the other cheek and all that stuff. I'm the one who never complains, no matter how hard things get.
Yeah, people put that on you. But that's not all you are or can be!
*sobs*
But it got me killed!!! And I failed everything I was living for!!!
Is there something you wish you'd done differently?
No... no I don't think so. I actually got into this situation in the first place because I was doing something that most people would consider really stupid but I have weighed it and I stand by it.
And it had to do with saving people like our twin... trying to either fix abusers or prove that it can't be done...
Except everytime they prove that they don't WANT to become better people, you think it just means you have to try harder...
Pfffff. Okay, yeah, so I'm stubborn that way.
But it doesn't mean that you deserve to be punished, persecuted or raped!
No. That's my point, no one deserves that.
You know that that's true of everyone but you. You still feel guilty for what happened?
I don't know... Maybe in a way. It's more like, I feel stupid. Like I should have seen it coming. I should not have been surprised.
And what would that have changed? From what you told me, there were always soldiers around and at times you were literally tied up. How would knowing what to expect have helped you get out of that or change those events in any way?
/distant stare/ they would not. it would not help.
but then why. why is it accusation? this feels like what [twin] does. brother too. parents, everyone. they all say, we're too naive and we should not have been surprised and we should have seen it coming. they don't explain how that helps. they just say it like it proves my guilt. "you should have seen this coming! but you did not and now it's your fault."
make no sense...?
No, it does not make sense. It is just victim blaming. And abusers gloating. But you are really struggling right now! What is it?
him being such a slimeball. offering a "deal"... I did not hear. I closed my ears and refused to realise what he was talking about. that he wanted to get in my pants. I was ignorant, willfully ignorant to that!!!
And you don't like it when people close themselves off to the truth. But surely you see how this is different?
Is it??? Is it really?! I am always on my high horse talking about how people need to face the truth and there I was, completely lying to myself about it and cutting him off mid-sentence just so I wouldn't have to hear what I, on some level, definitely knew was coming. Just so I could keep up my denial!
But it IS different! You NEVER blame abuse victims who are helpless, like children for example. And you were helpless too, despite being an adult. You could not get away or fight or do ANYTHING to stop him from doing to you whatever the fuck he wanted. You had no way of influencing how things went. So what good would facing the truth have done?
Maybe not back then. But now... I mean in this life. We should have seen through our twin earlier and realised what an abuser they are.
I regret that too. Though I don't know where the guilt is coming from?
It was that night when we were 16. That night where you know something must have happened but you don't remember it.
Oh? O.O How is this related?
I don't know. Feelings maybe.
[Twin] showed their true colours that night. There was no mistaking it. They were not only a bully, which was bad enough! But they were also a rapist. And trying to convince us to be ok with it. To become complicit.
Gross.
I know.
Was there a deal?
Hiding.
I had to hide the information. Hide the truth.
I am guilty.
I hid all of it from you. Messed with your memories. So you wouldn't ever suspect [twin].
You are not guilty *hugs*
*sobs*
I wish I was!!!! It was hell!!! I didn't know what to do!!!
They threatened me, blackmailed me, everything. Adults were involved too. You know what it was like back then.
But that time... I took the deal /bawling/
It wasn't a deal. It was violence. You were being hurt in ways few people can imagine and it was NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!
I thought maybe if I stuck to the deal, I could save our twin. I could not believe that they were truly evil. Mabe they'd been forced to act this way or something.
My memories are hazy. I don't remember everything yet.
What do you think happened, so far?
That [twin] showed their true colours. Unmistakably.
That adults were involved and threatening us. They blackmailed me. I don't want to say how. It was something I could not overcome.
The twin and us were bound together, in a way. That as long as I didn't reject The Twin, they'd go along with certain things superficially. But I had to make sure you didn't know who they really were and what they really did, because then you'd have cut off contact with them and then the Unthinkable Things would be unleashed.
The threats... I didn't know how to deal with any of it.
I feel dizzy and I feel sick. I have not remembered this since.
You're doing great. I'm here for you.
I just... I didn't know what to do. I didn't have time to think. Blocking everything out was the only thing we could do and we'd done it before. We were constantly doing it with all the rapes and stuff that was happening.
Except this was bigger. It was... It had to be buried deeper. And it felt like it had a much bigger impact on us.
I felt in that moment, or rather I guess connected to that moment, that I should have seen it earlier. All the signs we constantly ignored. All the things that we dismissed as unimportant or explained away or shelved. It all suddenly fit into a very, very different picture than what we had always wanted to see.
But it wasn't your cowardice or any other kind of personal failure that made you unable to face the truth that our twin is an abuser, a bully and a rapist.
No, the adults that were there. And I still don't remember details and I'm sure I'm wrong about things. But they threatened us. They said for every step we tried to get away from our family, they'd punish us.
I don't know. I don't remember.
That's ok. We can't expect everything to resurface all at once, or to be clear.
...
For the first time, I am imagining a scenario where I did see through what his hints about a "deal" were about and. Well I got scared. I realised he wanted to rape me and I was terrified. And it may not have changed much about what happened to me, but it did change something else. It changed how I could lie to help others. As in, not being in denial made it impossible for me to help others.
I have a feeling this somehow maps onto this life, too. Not sure how yet, but I think it will.
I am very exhausted now.
I know, you should rest. I am very proud of you and grateful for everything. You held a terrible secret for so long! But it was never you fault, none of it was.