A grassroots, mutual aid based praxis of mental health: Co-Counselling
I first heard about co-counselling from my roommate and chosen family, Dion, and then years later remembered it after reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft on Dion's e-book reader that he'd leant me because he could tell I needed that book. It's about seeing through abuser tactics. And after reading it, I wanted more from the same author, so I looked up talks he gave that were on YouTube.
That's how I learned about co-counselling, a technique Lundy Bancroft uses not necessarily in the realm of domestic violence, but for general emotional healing.
"Co-Counseling Lessons" Youtube Playlist of 17 videos by Lundy. They are each about half an hour long and have no visual information except for Lundy talking into the camera and they have only auto-generated subtitles.
There were many aspects I really liked about it! I watched the how-to videos about it and Dion and I tried it out just the two of us. It really did wonders, we both felt it was "overpowered" as a healing tool!
We did tweak it though, partly for our own individual quirks, and partly because we wanted to make the method our own and sort of develop it even further.
The basic principle is that two or more people take turns listening to each other and really being present. I learned through this how to listen to Dion without losing sight of myself, a habit I had had all my life because abusers forced me to subsume my own awareness of my self to them. Dion told me it drained him when I was like that, and at first that surprised me, but I very quickly realised that it was better for both of us if we each stayed with ourselves. I can be myself and still focus my attention on Dion (or anyone else I work with in this manner).
I downloaded a meditation app that plays a pleasant gong sound after a period of time, we often used 20 or 30 minute intervals each. We didn't have money to buy an egg timer, though a separate timer has the advantage that one can put the phones away so their potential for distractions and to trigger worry or remind of mundane concerns is defanged.
A typical session would start with us choosing who wants to go first and how long. Then the other person, the counsellor or listener for this session, opens it up and starts the timer. They ask if the person in the client role has anything "Good and New" to talk about since the last session. It is useful to start with something positive, as that boosts the person's energy to tackle heavier topics and reminds them of their internal and external resources and strengths.
After a few minutes spent on this, the counsellor asks about "minor catastrophes", which are day to day hassles and stresses that may not go into deep emotional territory, but are good to get out of the way. It may also be easier to get talking about relatively minor issues rather than jumping straight into really deep and heavy stuff. This segment (like, in reality, all of them) is optional. Especially if the overall session time isn't very long, it makes sense to skip this.
The main part of the session is spent on whatever topic the client wants. It can be about releasing emotions related to old trauma, it can be about looking into the future, about remembering important moments with a departed loved one, about reminding oneself of one's good qualities and strengths, or any number of things. The counsellor mainly listens, but can also ask questions and make comments, as long as they are short and focused on the client. The counsellor does not give advice, talk about how they would handle the situation or relay similar stories from their own life, even in the spirit of demonstrating understanding.
Towards the end of time, which the counsellor keeps an eye on, they can ask the client for feedback and wishes. Should I do anything differently next time? This allows for continual learning and means that even without degrees, people can become very adept at supporting others' healing.
Then, the client returns to the present and focuses their awareness on the here and now - this is especially important if they had remembered traumatic events or dove deep into intense feelings. My favourite way to do this is to list one or two things I look forward to today or tomorrow. This also harkens back to positive forces and events in life, which are important to keep in mind and help facilitate the deep work.
Then there can be a short break if necessary, and the roles switch. Now the previous counsellor is the client and gets to talk about their issues and have the same amount of time and, usually, the same overall structure (good and new, minor catastrophies, main part, feedback, returning to the here and now).
Sessions don't have to just be talking and listening. Hugs, holding and squeezing hands and other non-verbal communication and touch can be hugely beneficial, especially for autistic folks like me. I asked Dion to squeeze my hand for support, agreement and encouragement while I avoid eye contact. One can also dance, sing, do art, or give and receive massages.
Of course, trust, respect for boundaries and confidentiality is important, both when it comes to touch, as well as what is said. Lundy even encourages people not to bring up anything that was said in co-counselling sessions even in future sessions with the same people unless they themselves bring it up. This can help people talk about something they might not want to be reminded of later on. It makes it so that the one in the client role has the power to steer the conversation and retains their agency - a key to healing from trauma!
This is just a short overview of how I like to do co-counselling. There are manuals out there that go into more depth and that can give you ideas for exercises and techniques you can use, if you and your partner in crime feel like it.
To me, the most important aspect is how flat the hierarchies are. In co-counselling, we have no need* for experts, specialists, degrees or certificates and no one is just an emotional dumpster or being exploited for emotional labour. It is reciprocal, meaning everyone receives and gives back. It can be done with just two people or in groups or networks.
Learning important skills, contributing to someone else's healing instead of just being the broken one in need of support (as I had been for decades as a patient of in- and outpatient psychotherapy and psychiatry) was really important to my self esteem. I had agency. My contributions were seen and valued. And like I said, I even learned to stay with myself in situations that I normally used to lose sight of me. This is a skill I carry over into the rest of my life and interactions with other people and strangers.
Its flexibility and the opportunity for creativity and to adjust the methods to one's specific needs and limitations is another great advantage of co-counselling. You can look up how other people do it, follow manuals, even use the same phrases to start things off. But you don't have to. And you can invent your own adaptations and methods to use within the framework of co-counselling. In fact, varying what fills the bulk of each session, as well as alternating long and short sessions throughout the week, are popular practices.
*though apparently things called co-counselling and similar have been (mis-)used by high demand groups or cults. In my opinion, there is nothing inherently sinister or dangerous about it, it just depends how it is implemented.