TW for emotional child abuse, peer abuse (bullying), CSA/ rape, incest
I remember one day, I must have been 14 years old, it was some of the hardest time in my life.
I was suffering from so many sources and worst of all, had to be in denial about most of them. I had developed severe depression and bipolar II disorder, which is depression alternating with phases of hypomania, low levels of mania.
I was standing at a traffic light, waiting for it to turn green so I could cross the road and go to the bus station and take the bus home. It was afternoon after school.
I phantasised about collapsing, just falling over and not getting up, so that I'd HAVE to get some help, right? Right?
I knew it was stupid and wouldn't work. What help would a hospital, for example, be able to give me? How could they possibly improve my life?
I didn't even know what was wrong with me, or with my life! So how could they have helped me...
And yet you felt so desperate that you wanted something drastic to happen...
There were kids in school who cut themselves. And in a book, I read about a refugee child who was so traumatised that he didn't talk at ALL anymore! That kind of really impressed me, tbh. I tried it but when someone spoke to me, I responded on autopilot. Not responding would have been too rude. It was not possible for me to be that disobedient.
I know... You were suffering so badly, but no one saw it!
I know! Exactly! *cries*
It's ok, I am here... I got you...
Hrrr.... What if you had been there, then?
And you collapsed in front of me on the sidewalk?
Yeah...
Ok. Well, I would approach you and kneel down next to you and check on you. I'd say, "Hey there, are you ok? Do you need help?"
Ok, ok! Well... I would have said, "I don't know! I just fell over! This has never happened to me!"
That sounds scary. Are you hurt? Do you feel pain?
Yes, I am scared! No, I didn't hurt myself falling over. But I'm so dizzy. I am always dizzy. I mean, a lot of the time. Like when I get up in the mornings, or get up in general. So dizzy.
Ok, take it slow then.
I sit up gingerly. I'm only a bit dizzy and I'm not pushing myself to stand yet.
That's it, take it slow. Ok. Are you thirsty? Hungry?
I don't know... No, I don't want to eat. I don't like eating.
You don't like eating? At all?
No... Sorry. :c
Nono, that's fine, you're not in trouble! I was just surprised, and a bit concerned. You know, if you had an eating disorder, that could cause the dizziness and the collapse.
I don't have an eating disorder! >:(
Ok, that's fine. I'm not saying you do, just that it would explain it. Since you don't like eating, I mean.
I don't know why I said that.
But it sounded like you meant it?
I guess so... Ok, see, let's sit down on that bench over there instead of hanging out on the curb here, shall we?
[We go to the nearest bench and sit down comfortably. It is a pleasant, sunny day. We have time.]
So, about not liking to eat... What did you mean by it?
I'm not sure. Tbh, I surprised myself when I said that. I just... I don't want to grow anymore! *cries* I don't want to become an adult...
Oh, I'm sorry! Why not?
I don't know... I know it's silly and childish, but I liked being a child. Now, everyone just wants me to be cool and I'm not cool and I don't even WANT to be cool! I want to have fun again. Why is fun no longer allowed? *sniffles*
Ooof, yeah, that's hard! Teenagers can be really scary like that... Are there no others that feel the same?
I don't know, maybe. My friend M, but M got transferred to a different school.
Besides, it's not just that. I have to care about looks now, too, and... well... I'm supposed to look like a [GENDERED PERSON]!!! :C
Oh no, they're really putting pressure on you, aren't they? It seems so... forgive me, but it seems so small-minded.
Yeah, I know. They say I'm childish, but they're narrow-minded and also, mean. There's so much bullying going on in my class! It's really scary, actually.
I'm sorry. Did you know that teachers could do something to stop that? They really should!
What can they do? It's not like we'd ever listen to them! My maths teacher made me a compliment one day, I think he was trying to be nice, but that just made me even less cool. Hrrrgh.
No, it's not about how they treat you, or even the bullies. It's about getting the entire class together and sit down and talk. Well, there are entire methods about this. The point is, adults should not just make you suffer every day. It's doing serious harm. And it is NOT inevitable! Not all teenage groups bully the ones they think of as less cool, or who don't fit the mold. In some groups, such kids can be popular, because quirkiness is actually fun! You might be artistic and creative. Or even if you wouldn't be especially popular, you could be accepted. You could have one or two close friends and everyone else would at least leave you alone.
That would be nice... I just want to go to class and learn... I even let them copy my homework and stuff. I don't want to get in trouble, and I never get the other kids in trouble! I don't know why they don't like me...
I don't know either. You're a nice kid!
Yeah but... I'm not a proper [gendered kid]... am I?
You don't have to be.
I, WHAT????
No! Actually, it's totally fine for kids, and everyone else for that matter, to decide for themselves what gender they wanna be!
How would that even work? I mean I was born this way and stuff... changes are inevitable... :S
No, you don't have to go through the wrong puberty, or puberty at all, yet. There are hormones called puberty blockers that could allow you to grow up without going through puberty and then you could decide once you're an adult what kind of hormones (estrogen or testosterone) you would want. And if you will want surgeries too. But even now, you should be allowed to chose hairstyles and clothes and maybe even a nickname that fit you.
Oh wow. That's a lot to take in. Do you think I fell over because of this? Because I can't deal with puberty?
I don't know. What do you think?
I don't know. Maybe. It's just... The world is so heavy. It's not just the bullying at school. It's also the news and war and hunger and catastrophies all over the world! And environmental destruction! It's so scary! And I feel so responsible but there's not much I can do. I recycle and I pick up trash when I see it on the street. I try to take my bike to school rather than the bus or my mother's car.
I am of the strong opinion that adults should be responsible for those things!
Yeah, for sure. But they just aren't, are they? They are messing the world up.
And your world in particular?
How can you tell? I'm not supposed to let it show... oh crap! Forget I said that!
Said what?
That I'm not supposed to let it show... how heavy my world is. Mine in particular. It's not just stuff that happens to others, elsewhere, on the news! *bawls*
Hey, hey, it's gonna be ok... I'm here. If you want, we can meet here and you can chat with me more often? And I could maybe help you find help?
No! My mom sends me to a therapist and that SUCKS!!! She doesn't help AT ALL and that just makes it worse, you know??? Like, I have to pretend that I'm better, that it helped. But it doesn't. I think she's scared or something. She seems so insecure. I don't like that. And she just tells me to go for walks. She doesn't even pick up on the things I'm trying to tell her, and I'm not subtle. No, I can NOT trust her! >:(
Oh, I didn't know that. Sorry about that! Yeah, incompetent help is worse than no help at all... It sounds like she's just making you do even more emotional labour - for example by making you pretend that you're doing better than you really are, emotionally.
Huh, I guess so. Is it really a form of labour? But I'm a child! That's child labour! That's illegal!
Heh, yeah, it ought to be! It's not legally classified as work though. But-
But my mother makes me pretend like I am getting help. She always says "You have everything you need!" in this accusatory tone! Like it's somehow a bad thing.
Why would she feel the need to spell that out? Can't she just GIVE you everything you need and listen to your needs? Then she wouldn't have to TELL you that you have everything...
It's weird, isn't it? Like when she says "You KNOW I love you!" in a tone that sounds like an order. Like I HAVE to think she loves me and show that I think that. Of course she loves me. But I can't talk to her.
She doesn't seem to understand you?
No. For example, when I talked about being bullied, she just started telling me about how SHE got bullied when she was my age! And how she didn't know what to do about it. And I think she even cried.
That all just made it worse. Like sorry you got bullied too but you're my MOM?! Why are you talking about YOUR problems from decades ago, instead of helping me with MINE from now?
Did she not help you at all?
No. Actually, that whole thing made me feel worse. Like I was guilty for feeling sorry for myself when she was also suffering from the same stuff. And also, like I was being unfair by expecting her to fix problems that she doesn't know how to fix...
Whoa, whoa! That's not fair to YOU! How can she expect you to a) know beforehand what problems she thinks she can fix and b) take care of HER feelings over your own? You're still a kid! You're 14! She's your MOTHER, it's her job to help you! And if she doesn't know how, she can find out. She can get other adults to help. There are resources she can access, she can read up on bullying in the library or talk to teachers or to social workers or religious people or whoever.
I wish she would.
Do you think it would help me if I read up about my issues in the library?
Yeah, it might. At least then you know that it's not your fault if adults around you let you down.
If they SUCK you mean!!!
Yeah, you're right, they suck.
UGH!!!!
:)
lmao. You're funny. You're cool for an adult. Don't let my classmates hear me say that.
I won't. Do you feel different now? Less dizzy maybe? Or more able to enjoy food again?
I'm still dizzy. And I still want to collapse and be picked up by an ambulance!
Oh no, there's an emergency?!
Emergency? I don't know! I am just being stupid...
Maybe it's better if you didn't have to go home today? And didn't have to go back to school immediately?
I don't know... I don't want to go home. I don't like home... I don't like my mother... *claps hand in front of mouth*
I'm glad you told me. It's ok not to like her. You don't have to like anyone, except your own children if you ever get any. Everyone else has to earn it. And some mothers don't. And it's better to be able to speak about it rather than having to pretend. It sounded like she makes you pretend a lot of things, hm?
Yeah... *sobs* Yeah... She constantly makes us, all of us kids, pretend like everything is ok and everything is fine! Dad's an alcoholic and she acts like it's OUR fault! And we have to cover up for it and hide it! :'C
That's not ok! >:(
Ugh, but that's just the start. He gets mean, you know, and everyone is scared of him, but I'm even more scared of her. Of mom... Oh wow. I didn't know that! That I'm scared of my mother! But it's totally true! I AM scared of her! o.O"
That's ok. You feel that way for a reason.
You're not mad at me?
No.
Oh... I'm not allowed to be afraid, you know. Not even when Dad is drunk and makes us get in the car or anything. I pretend like it's not a big deal. But I know it's dangerous.
Are there other dangerous things at home for you?
Yeah... My brother... He's three years older and much bigger than us. Us, meaning my twin and me, we're skinny for our age because we're twins. Anyway, our brother... Well, he is weird. It's not his fault, he has some problems. But still... sometimes he scares me. And he can be mean. He bosses us around!
And from the sounds of it, your parents don't interfere...
Interfere? No. They let us work it out among ourselves. Always have, as long as I can remember. Same with bedtimes and stuff, they just let us figure it out on our own.
That's neglect. That's actually a form of abuse. Parents are supposed to make your life a bit easier, you know. They should have taken more responsibility, especially when you were still little. Of course now you're older and can make more choices independently, but they should still give you help and guidance.
Well, they tell me to do my homework and how important education is...
I do like learning :)
Me too. But that's unCOOL apparently...
Is it just the kids at school or also your brother at home who puts pressure on you to conform?
Oh, definitely! He gets on my case for being childish all the time! And one time he even physically grabbed me and did stuff that HE thought I ought to do with my hair! That was totally mean!
That's over the line! Your body is yours and such behaviour belittles your right to your own boundaries.
I don't get boundaries. Hair is the least of my problems. They make me be naked too and stuff.
*alarmed* Who?!
I don't know... everyone... that older kid in class who is repeating the year... my brother... my father... other people... *zoned out*
!!!!
Sorry... I should not have said that...
It's more than being naked... They look at me... all parts of me if you get what I mean... but also... they fuck me and stuff. I don't even bother saying no anymore.
I'm getting you out of there.