TW for CoCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse), incest, neglect
I wrote about it on mastodon, about finally severing my bond to my twin emotinally/psychologically.
And now I wonder how it was formed to begin with. I mean sure, of course you're gonna form a bond to a close family member you grow up with and are close to almost all your life. But how did they make it so hard to disconnect? How did they twist it so much to be a drain and a vector of attack rather than a connection? Or did our parents do that?
And my intuition is pointing me towards Kindergarten. I remember being in the hallway to meet with my twin, which we had to do surreptitiously because we were in two different groups. We were between 5-6 years old. (We only started school at 7.)
I remember feeling a sense of duty, almost. Like, I had to sneak out to meet my twin. I do not remember wanting to or looking forward to it. And I have always had this memory, it was never repressed or forgotten. But this aspect is something that never even OCCURED to me! I never noticed that hey, if I sneak out to play with someone, it'd be normal to feel anticipation, maybe some glee, maybe some nervousness about getting caught, maybe a sense of relief or happyness at seeing the other person – but no, none of that. I didn't feel like a child sneaking around adults' rules to have fun. I felt almost nothing and what I did feel was that I had to do this to make my twin happy. That they had no friends in their group and our shared friends were in my group (just kids our age who lived in our neighbourhood).
It also never occured to me until very recently that the reason they didn't have friends of their own in their group could have been because they were unpleasant to be around. And that I was actually a good friend to the other kids and that's why some of them liked me.
Even I didn't play with my own twin because it was such fun. They were just always around so it was usually more fun to play with them than to be alone (since the rest of the family neglected me if I was very lucky, and abused me the rest of the time). But at Kindergarten I actually had some fun. It wasn't an amazing experience but it beat home life for sure.
And the sneaking out to meet my twin was the low point. That's when things felt like they did back home. Which is why I didn't notice it, because I was already used to it. I had to be.
If I didn't go meet my twin, I'd have been disobedient and I was too cowed by abuse to be that way. I was aware that my twin had no friends and that it was therefore my duty to be there for them. To feel sorry for them and feel responsible.
I didn't question why I, at five years old, should be responsible for my sibling's social life. Why no adults intervened. Why they couldn't handle it themselves. Why if a child can't handle the environment there, we were sent to that kindergarten.
The idea of adults taking care of children was alien to me. Adults bossed children around and disciplined them and got annoyed at our existence. They gave us things to do, sometimes fun things, sometimes they taught us things. But taking care of our emotions or social lives or conflicts between children? What a ludicrous idea!
(This reminds me of how many years later, at around 14, a camp counsellor asked me why I hadn't asked for help before punching a bully (not severely and after much warning). And how flabberghasted I was. Whaaaat???? It's possible to ask adults for help???? The concept had never occured to me and I was at a loss for words.)
Hey, 4yo me, do you want to talk?
Yeah, hello. I can talk. I was the one who went and snuck out to meet [twin] in Kindergarten!
But we weren't in Kindergarten yet at age 4.
Yeah but I'm still young. I stayed 4 all the time. I don't front much. I think maybe I only grow up when I front? Don't know for sure.
Ok. So you were there in Kindergarten...
Yes it was a bit gloomy and spooky. I didn't say anything but I was worried about getting caught breaking the rules. Even though they weren't that strict. But the rules contradicted each other so I had to follow the more important rules.
Which were?
To follow [twin]. They had asked us to meet with them.
Did this happen a lot?
Yes, as much as we could. Most days.
And what did you do, outside the playrooms and playground?
I don't know... Sometimes we went to the library but we couldn't read yet but we looked at the pictures. [Twin] liked that book Das Kleine Ich-Bin-Ich. I like it too but I couldn't have it as my favourite book because it was already [twin's] favourite book.
I remember that book! So good :)
Yes it's a nice book. Of course I know who I am.
Really? Who are you?
[name]
Anything else? In the book, the little animal finds things about itself that are the same or different as with other animals. Do you have that?
Oh, sure. I am like others too a bit but not really all the way the same. With my twin for example, people say we look the same. But we don't look exactly the same. And we are not exactly the same.
What's a difference for example?
Oh, I don't know... I am more happy being alone I think. But I am less alone. That's a bit strange how that happens. But mostly I am happy and don't complain much.
Does your twin complain a lot?
No, not a lot. But sometimes.
About what?
Oh, about me mostly.
Why is that?
Oh, I don't know. Maybe I don't think of them enough sometimes? I can be a little dreamer you know. Says mommy.
Yes, she sais that to explain away that you're constantly dissociated due to trauma. I don't think it's fair to expect you to be thinking of your twin all the time. Do they think of you like that?
Of me?! No. That would be silly! :) Don't be silly :')
I'm not being silly. You are worth it. You are important. Others should think about what you need some of the time.
Heehee. You're being funny :')
No, I am being serious. Your family should take care of you. And so should the Kindergarten staff and school teachers and other adults, especially the ones whose job it is.
But they have so many other children to worry about!
You are one of the children they should care about. You matter.
Heehee :) No I don't :) You're being silly!
hugs you
I am sorry this concept is so alien to you. But I care about you and I am making sure that you are safe now.
okie
How do you feel now?
don't know
Do you want hugs and cuddles?
okie
hugs and cuddles you
NO STOP :'C
Ok, I'll stop. You got really sad there, didn't you?
yes, much sad. I don't understand! sobs I'M SORRY!!!!
It's ok, crying is safe now. You are allowed to be sad and to cry if you want to. You are safe with me. And you don't have to explain your feelings to me, either. They are ok the way they are. YOU are ok the way you are!
sobs I'm so scared! I'm so sorry!!!
What are you scared of?
climbs back onto your lap for more hugs I am scared because my twin does scary things with me and if anyone finds out it will be EVEN WORSE :'c
I am here now. You are safe now. Our twin is not here and neither are the parents.
okie.
that's good I think?
I sorry.
holds you
That's ok, you don't have to apologise. How do you feel now?
I don't know. Confused. The Twin is always there!? I only exist to be there for The Twin. I never exist when they are not here.
You never fronted when they weren't there?
No. I don't exist if Twin doesn't ask for me.
How did they ask for you?
I don't know. I come here after they ask so I don't know the asking.
Ok, that makes sense. And then?
Then we are alone.
*holds you still* And then?
Then we do the things... I don't like those things. Adults are not allowed to see! Is important that adults no see! Because we're big enough now that we should have trousers on all the time. We're not babies anymore who don't know about clothes.
But The Twin makes you take off your clothes? Of some of them?
Yes and they take off their clothes too. I don't like it.
Is there something else?
Yes Twin makes me touch them between the legs. I don't like it! :'C
I am so sorry! That's horrible! I didn't know this was happening in Kindergarten!
Yes sometimes. Behind the bushes no one sees. Or sometimes other places. When no one sees.
Also at home. But at home is different, that's not me most of the time. Only some of the time.
Yeah, that's ok. I am so sorry any of this happened to you.
*holds you close*
How do you feel now?
I don't know. Better?
oh... Ok I see now. It's like... I am fast-forwarding in time to the present. I am connecting to the present and present-day-you. Or me. Whichever.
Ok, hi.
Hi!
I used to cry a lot during those assaults. But of course that didn't stop The Twin. UGH. What a gross person. The worst part is, there's no indication that they have changed. They just expect us to act like nothing happened. They probably lied to themselves enough to believe it, too. But they can't take my memories away from me any more. I am no longer bound to be loyal to them and hide the memories they don't want to face.