TW for child abuse, CSA, incest, sibling abuse.
Hi me, how are you doing today?
Leave me alone! :C
Oh dear, what's going on? What has you so on edge?
I know what you're up to! I'm not stupid, I saw the title and topic of this!
I didn't realise it would scare me so much.
no
that's the point
For me to not realise it?
yeah
So, I've stumbled across a secret. A bit of a landmine in our mind?
Yes, in a way. We're not supposed to make mistakes but we're also not supposed to do things right and succeed.
It's... well it all depends...
On abusers' hypocrisy, whims and what benefits them from moment to moment?
shhhhhh!!!!!
I'm not supposed to call them abusers, am I?
NO
Ok. But there are people you are thinking of, aren't there?
People, yes. Mother, sibling, brother to a lesser extent. Classmates definitely. *sobs*
*holds you*
Yeah, ok... so. *sniffles, then looks up*
So. It's a lie. Isn't it? That we're supposed to learn and become competent so that "the world will be open to us". That's a lie.
BUT.
You're not supposed to call it a lie. That's confusing. But it is very important. She will beat you badly and do The Worse Things (you know...) if you say that it is a lie.
The mother?
Yes, her.
She keeps the image. That is her role that she takes on. She will hurt us badly...
...if/when she thinks we threaten the image she wants to project?
yes
I know. It's awful.
I don't understand.
High pressure confusion.
VERY high pressure!!!! It gets so bad *sobs*
I know, she does the worst things, like you said :S
Of course we can't tell anyone. Because that would destroy the image. But also, no one would believe us. Women don't do that kind of thing.
Plus, it's not like anyone believes we're worth protecting anyway.
Protecting from abuse? *sigh* No, no one has protected us, of all the dozens of people that should have. Starting with the parents themselves...
Pffff. Why would parents protect us?
Normal parents protect their children from abuse, including by changing their own behaviour so that they stop causing harm. Many people who grew up with various levels of harm being normalised to them, unlearn that when they become parents and see their child/children being affected by that harm.
Yeah, well, not our parents. LOL!
That's like saying "Why didn't the lumberjack protect the tree from the ax?"
They had us so they could use us. In so many ways.
I know...
You were gonna ask about mistakes. Well, here's the thing. She wants for our family to "look good" and "normal". Not just for herself, personally, but us as a family unit. So then we have to be "normal, healthy" children. And we have to be good at school.
So there are situations where mistakes would be punished.
Yes! Yes, very much so!
I don't remember that. Like... did she punish us for making mistakes with homework? Or tests in school?
Sometimes... if she thought it was embarrassing to her. But she made sure you wouldn't remember.
That's scary :s
Yes, I know. I'm sorry. She knew you would not remember... the Worst Things.
The sexual abuse, the rapes.
No, you can't remember those!!!
I know about them now.
*sobs*
It's ok. I can handle it. WE can handle it, now.
Really? *tears still streaming down*
Yes, really.
Oh... oh, that's good. I don't like keeping secret. I don't like lying. It's not good. It makes everything be so COMPLICATED!!!! :C
I don't like confusing. It's no good.
Yes, because she created confusion by lying, being hypocritical, abusing us and forcing us to act like we loved and trusted her anyway.
Yes that was other mistakes she punished. If not trust her. "What will neighbours think?!" kind of thing. Always always always have to be good, normal family. Children not can be afraid of parent, that absurd. Parent loves you.
We weren't allowed to show our natural reactions to the abuse – the fear, revulsion, doubts, tears, anger. The need to get away from them as much as possible. The sheer terror of having to be in proximity to them, let alone interact.
not allowed
No, not allowed.
Cannot experiment. You say "for to learn gud, must make mistakes, embrace mistakes" NO!!!!
DANGER!!!!
You are scared of experimenting without explicit permission, right? Like... one thing that made this so confusing for me was that I know I'm not overly afraid of making mistakes. I would volunteer to answer questions in class all the time even if I could only guess.
different
that different.
Because the context is different?
different! yes
But now we're not in school anymore.
scary
But we're nowhere near the parents, either.
no matter
is scary. no permission given. then threat of punish.
What would you like to do?
do? nothing!!!
Because you're scared of everything? Because you could be punished for everything and anything?
yes... *cries*
*holds you*
I... I just wish I was allowed to say the truth...
About the mother?
yes :c
I allow it. And I will protect you.
she no good *sobs*
evil
bad witch, evil woman *sobs*
I believe you.
*sobbing intensifies*
I just.... I just wish it could be easy again.
She is bad.
I was scared.
Easy sentences. Three words. That's enough.
I am bigger now. Things have changed. We come together – you and me.
>:)
Things have changed! >:)
Things HAVE changed! :D
We are no longer scared.
She can no longer hurt us.
She has no control any more.
She is insignificant.
She is ugly, her image is ugly, tainted by her own actions. Her fault.
*sigh of relief*
That is a big relief! Thank you so much.
That's ok. I could only tell you because you stopped protecting [twin].
Oh? How is that related?
It is. Twin is... twisted, dark... People call that "dark", what twin is inside. Is bad, really.
Yes... it took me so, so long to even consider the possibility that that might be the case...
You always love your rapists the most.
It's not real love.
No. But you never allow any of us to question them.
Do you know where that comes from?
Yes, of course. It is simple. Mother. She raped you, punished you worse for questioning.
That's how I grew up. And other rapists probably did the same or similar.
They do what works for them.
Well, it did work. Not any more.
No, not any more.
So... how is questioning my twin connected to remembering more about the mother's abuse?
Twin protect mother.
Really? Oh, I'm surprised! It was our twin who gave us books that first lead us to questioning our parents and I also remember them talking about how she abused them/us kids in general.
One time. Can't take seriously. Twin do weird things. Try out things, then act like never happened.
That's true. They later did act like that conversation never happened. It was very disorienting. Felt like I had no stable ground under my feet. I never knew where I was at with them.
Rules change. Reality flip. Abuser make reality flip, not explain (they hypocrite), then punish YOU for question or for not fall in line with new reality. Even and ESPECIALLY when you can't understand new reality!!! Not allowed questions!!! Not allowed mistakes!!!
Oh... so this comes from our twin?
also twin, yes.
Parents started. Twin perfected.
Ugh. Well, they did know us better than anyone else.
Twin need be more clever. Adults are in power already. Not need be clever. Can just say "I am adult! Grah grah! You obey!" Twin not can say. Twin need be clever.
Twin be very clever.
They'd be as clever as us. We have the same resources to work with (genetics, upbringing, early experiences etc).
No, twin not as clever as you. Twin have abuser brain. Abuser brain make un-clever on purpose. Hypocrite – illogical. Abuse not work if logical. So, abuser make things illogic on PURPOSE. That not clever. That make chink in cleverness. Not can think clear if want be abuser.
True.
And yet... They made me stupid... They all made me feel so small and silly and stupid and incompetent all the time...
Yes. Because you feel feelings that hurt. You want solve PROBLEM. You know: To solve problem, has to SEE problem. Has to face problem and look in eyes.
They? Abusers? They not want solve problem. They want "not feel bad". So, they make YOU feel bad. Then someone felt bad feeling. To abuser, not matter if problem solve. To abuser, if feel bad? MAKE SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT. Make someone else feel bad!
That not solve real problem. But that what abuser do.
True....
I am tired... need a break.
Thank you though. You ended up being MY "therapist" :') And you did a tremendous job! I'm proud of you.
Thank. I be proud too. You do good. *pats head*
:D