I feel so small, being faced with something so big. Vulnerable, hesitant, questioning.
Today, I stopped loving my abuser.
Now, I have to start a new life. Everything is different; the hidden point that my life revolved around since it started is dethroned.
I have shifted something inside me, brought something in my emotional core into alignment with my belief that exploitation and abuse are not love. That love is a verb and it means reciprocity and mutual respect and creating something together that is bigger than its parts. Love is not a zero-sum game and it is not sucking another person dry for the sake of your own ego. Nor is letting someone else suck you dry and discard you an act of love.
So, no, I have never truly loved my abusers because they have never allowed love to flow between us. They have exploited me and reaped my loyalty, my desier to help, support and even carry them, my eagerness to sacrifice myself and my quality of life for them, my work and labour, my adoration, my services as reputation-defender and much more. They have raped me. They have made sure that I wouldn't remember it and would "love" them instead.
I was dependent and imprisoned and I trauma-bonded. I thought that was love. I even tried to replicate something similar with people who weren't abusing me and were probably feeling really off. Dion told me it drained him when I tried to give him emotional support until I learned to not step into the abuse victim role any more. That's what I mean by true love not being a zero-sum game.
But I have only done the first part of the equation so far. The second part is just as scary: Now it is time for me to start truly loving myself and to never stop. To live self-love always and in every moment.
That still scares me. It's forbidden. I will become greedy, selfish, harmful, toxic, an emotional vampire... I'll stop. I'm sure you can imagine the kind of litany that goes off in my head when I contemplate self-love. It is beyond ridiculous. Pacifying and appeasing abusers, taking on parts of their worldview without question, bending over backwards for them – those are the things that have caused me to act in harmful ways before.
Rescinding my support for abusers, taking the energy I used to waste on them, clarifying my perception and de-warping my reality – these are the things that will enable me to truly change the world for the better and to truly plant love where it has a chance to grow.
I have, hesitantly, discovered that I really absolutely need to start with myself. It is unfortunately non-negotiable. Believe me, I have tried!!! I have tried so hard. I really really REALLY wanted to find some kind of way where I can spread love and heal other people while neglecting or sacrificing myself. None of them work. So, alas, I have to do my duty as a professional "helps people with emotions" type person to also *whispers* love myself.
UGH.
I find it easier to love pieces of myself. Parts. But even then, I try to make it one-sided: I love and support them, not the other way around. Which is not how love really works, it HAS to flow both ways. Even tiny babies give back so much to their caretakers!
I know that trying to give love, or support, or gifts to someone and being rejected hurts. Being allowed to contribute is in itself a treasured gift!
And yet, trauma-enforced habit makes me stingy with this, and only this, gift.
But I am better than that. I know I will be. I will be someone who accepts gifts and gives others the gift of being a generous and gracious receiver of gifts freely and joyfully offered. That's the only way to create joy and abundance in a chosen family and community.
And I will love myself, I guess, since I have to. And I will shed the resentment towards self-love, I guess, if I have to *rolls eyes at self*
To be continued... I have only started on this part of my journey!