Letter to my past self - last year, (hypo?)manic

Hi Aurin,

I'm excited to hear that you feel "onto something"! You have so much energy, energy that is overdue, that was subdued during your long years of depression and that is now bubbling up. Keep it coming!

What can you do about eating though? I know you try to at least be aware of it, that it's a big problem when you skip meals or even go days without eating or with only minimal food. Could be that it's "part of the process", I know, and it is good to trust the process. Just remember to keep checking in and try your best. And make up for it later, when you can. Same goes for resting and sleeping.

You're going so fast and so far with your processing and figuring things out. You're seeing into the hidden dimensions of the universe! That's super exciting :) You can learn a lot about yourself in this. Who you are, what your values are, what is important to you.

You feel driven and there's an ambition guiding you. You feel the need to be acknowledged and you feel the lack of that as a sting of humiliation. I know you know that it is not meant as such. You will get there, soon, if you don't try to force things. Stay in the flow and it'll carry you to a place of grounding and being seen and fully valued.

The landbastards are pieces of shit, do what you have to do, but face the possibility that there's nothing you can do to change them and how they operate. You'll find a good place to live after this, when the time is right. Trust the universe.

There are books actually that I have found very useful reads to learn to trust your intuition whether someone is trustworthy or not. These are "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft and "The Gift Of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. You'll have to think as you read about how to apply their lessons to your own life and circumstances, which I know you can do. These books can help you learn to trust yourself and in turn feel more connected to yourself and your body and more grounded.

Right now, your pendulum swings freely between rose tinted glasses (denial) and paranoia. It's allowed to swing. Just keep orienting yourself back to reality, back to gravity. Where's up, where's down? And where are you in it? Remember that you don't have to make choices right away. Take your time. Allow thoughts to settle, allow time to focus on one potential puzzle piece, then the next, and many more, before you zoom back out and put them all together. You're not seeing everything at once (yet), and that's ok.

I'm proud of how well you're handling everything, how you ARE letting reality reel you back in when your imagination has taken you for a ride. You need the freedom of mind to go wherever it takes you, up, down, far into the future or back to the big bang, to heaven and hell - your mind is free. And it's yours. Reality is what you share with others. I know you care deeply about reality, about the world, the climate, your antifa siblings. So I don't worry that you'll "drift off" too far into the realms of mania, paranoia or psychosis. In fact, I think depression is a related phenomenon (all these are extreme lenses that distort reality to some degree or another) and while that has had you firmly in its grip for decades, it also could never best you. And now you're kicking free of it!

Remember how, every time depression and hopelessness and stagnation grew too overwhelming, when you could see suicide on the horizon, you'd turn the ship around and do drastic changes in your life? You decided not to go there. That would be too far from the joy and meaning you are looking for.

And even if it might not feel like it to you now, from the outside it looks like you're disconnected from reality. You're manic. But in the same way that you never allowed depression to take you, something inside you won't let mania or psychosis derail your life. Just shake it up a little.

There is a big task ahead of you that I can't tell you about yet (I'm from the future). You'll master it with flying colours! I think you are preparing yourself for it right now. I'm so proud of you, you little weirdo. hugs

Remember to thank Dion for his patience <3