TW for rape, incest, CoCSA (Child on Child Sexual Abuse).
I don't know what's wrong but I feel really depressed and just generally "bad" today, and have felt like this since yesterday. So, I'm writing about it to see if I'll get anywhere.
I had the worst dream tonight - I was living with The Twin (who, if you're new here, raped me among other things) and "realised" that I'd been all wrong about them and that they hadn't said promlematic things on social media, how could I possibly have believed that?! In fact, they're the most wokest person alive! I'm so glad I see the light now! I hope they can forgive me.
I woke up and saw the wall of my room, which is a log cabin. And I thought, "where am I? Where do I live? What era of time is this?". I was so utterly disoriented, my mind had been so far away from reality.
It's not the first time I had a dream that seemed like a propaganda tool of an abuser, if that were possible. This was just the most extreme one, I guess.
And yeah, of course I wish saying some "problematic" stuff on the interned was the worst thing The Twin did.
I feel like the abuser introject is back. Complaining that I'm trying to make my inner world safe for me and trying to heal it. The introject tried to tear the fabric of my world apart, and when that failed, got really upset, because it used to work in the past. In the past, I didn't even notice this happening, I just noticed the effects and didn't know what caused them.
It's that thing where something in me, whether that's a part of me or an abuser introject (which I guess is technically also a part of me? Though they often don't feel like it and it can be more useful to make that distinction) desperately wants to hold me back from making a major breakthrough. Because the more I heal, the more my body recovers, the more I get my life together, the more I foster relationships to true friends, the less I need to or CAN hold on to abusers. Even emotionally. Even in increasingly hidden corners of my subconscious, as that which came out in the weird dream last night.
Unless of course this is my intuition trying to warn me away from making a big mistake. Like right before I moved in with an abuser and I got so sick I had to postpone the moving date (though sadly I did move a few days later).
I'm not sure how to tell the difference. I guess the most important part is to be open to the possibilities. If I close one or the other possibility off and declare it impossible or not applicable, then I will end up "hearing" whatever I want to hear from my "intuition" and end up lying to myself.
So, thinking back to how it felt when I was warned by my intuition versus now...
No, I don't think it's that. I think it's an introject. Or rather, it's a part of me that wants to hold on to whatever connection there's still left to The Twin. And knows that if I continue on my current path, that connection will fall away completely. It won't have any hold over me any more.
One difference in how this feels to a genuine warning, is that there's no fear. Not even confusion. It's just depression and that feeling of trying to push through the day with the handbrakes engaged. Everything is so goddamn hard. There's such a tension. But no internal communication when I ask myself what my problem is. Quite the opposite - the communication itself is being sabotaged. As is basic self-care like eating and sleeping enough.
I used to have some of the same symptoms (the depression, lack of self-care, feeling as though operating against an opposing force/handbrake/wading through molasses instead of air, that kind of thing) when ignoring genuine warnings that were coming from inside me. But there was also fear and confusion and a willingness to communicate. And honestly, the depression etc were probably mainly caused by me trying to go against my instincts and power through the warning because I had already decided that it was safe (well, I was gaslit into believing that by therapists and other mental health professionals).
I'm gonna try and talk to the abuser introject.
Hello, is there someone there?
(I don't want to talk to you)
Ok. Except, if you are responsible for that tension and sabotage-field (idk how else to call it), you have to stop doing that or give a reason for it. This is not ok.
I need air to breathe.
What's suffocating you?
YOU ARE!
How so?
YOU!!!! >:((((
You don't let me be in here anymore! You don't let there be the dark, shadow corners in the back of your soul anymore where I can hide!
Why do you want to hide?
Because I need to!
You're not a part of me, are you?
No!!!!
Then who or what are you?
YOUR TWIN
Why are you in here then? Go home.
NO!!!! "Home" sucks!!!!
True. But Here will also suck if you continue doing what you're doing. I'm trying to make things better. What's your problem?
My problem is that you reject me/us. You think you're better than us!
Well, I'm not a rapist, so yeah, I'm better than you. It's not hard. Like, at all. I cannot stress how very much not hard it is to just not be a rapist.
I don't know how.
You don't know how to not be a rapist??? What.
No, it's true. I don't know how. I don't have a body so I do it astrally. But it's the same principle. I break you.
You're not breaking me. I think those times are over. Finally.
Yes, things have changed!!! >:(((
And you don't know how to not do the thing you're doing? That astral attack? I mean... just don't???
Yeah but!!!!!
What would happen if you stopped? Can you try for just a short moment?
!!!
*big sigh of relief*
Actually... I think this might be better?
Idk. I'm dizzy.
Now there's a kind of pressure on my head. It's weird. I don't like it.
But overall, you feel better?
Yeah, less stressed out and desperate.
Ok. So, can you go then?
Go? No! I TOLD you! I want to stay here because back home sucks!!!!
That's hardly my fault. You can't invade my boundaries and then refuse to leave.
What are you doing now?
(I'm trying to make YOU dizzy!)
Why?
So maybe you'll be susceptible to attacks again.
I thought you JUST learned that attacking people was making your life more miserable, too.
????
I'm confused. What do YOU think you just learned?
I don't know what you're talking about! >:(((
You were astrally attacking me but feeling horrible and full of tension and even despair, and when you stopped attacking me, you started feeling better.
No.
Read back what we just wrote a few minutes ago.
Errrr..... I just read back and wow. That was so weird. I did not remember anything. To be clear, I don't remember things in general. I'm not that kind of thing. I'm not a person. I'm a thing that has only one purpose, very narrow focus. Using your brain to make speech and type words.
Sure, but you did learn something and then forgot it. That was weird.
STOP ASKING QUESTIONS
I'm just pointing out how weird that was. Like someone/thing messed with you. Do you want that?
.... no.... I'm actually really tired and exhausted now... I just want to exist in peace...
That's ok. I want that too. So, what would that look like for you?
I no longer obey The Twin. And I go away from both of you.
Oh, so you're not part of them?
No. I was just charged up with their energy but I'm not from them. Not part of them.
Oh, that's good :')
Yes. Goodbuye.
Goodbye.
Ok, that was strange. Probably was an introject, then. "Charged" by my abuser, via my mirror neurons firing during trauma and everything getting split off from continuous memory and the rest of my personality/psyche via dissociation.
There are probably many ways to explain and describe these kinds of phenomena.